Just Call Me Leo

So it's been a while. A long while. A lot of things have happened (obviously... it's been three months stupid) since I posted last. It's been an interesting summer to say the least: World Cup Soccer/Football, power failures, rain, visa applications, blah blah. But this particular posting addresses what ended up consuming the last half of my time at home: The Producers, The Musical.

Let me say here that your appreciation of this posting will be greatly enhanced if you have seen either the movie with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick or the musical on Broadway, London's West End or in Karachi. Having not seen the Broadway or West End productions, I am qualified to say that the Karachi production knocked the pants off the other two hands down. Though how you knock the pants off anything with your hands down is an existential dilemma I have yet to work my way through. But that's beside the point. As most of what I say is...

It was all a big mistake really. The month was June. The place was an ADP concert. (Yeah ADP! Plug for my buddies who are planning on releasing their debut album sometime this decade.) An announcement was made. Auditions were open. I had nothing better to do with myself. Might get U.S. visa later... don't really want a job... need to pretend I'm doing something constructive with my time... helloooo acting career.

So I showed up at the director’s house on the day and at the time. I read through the script while waiting to be called and decided I wanted to play neo-Nazi wacko, Franz. I can do accents. German accents especially. Ja ja. All set. Not a lot of lines. Short, snappy, potentially funny appearances. Wunderbar!

Yeah, they made me Leo. Nervous, frightened accountant, Leo Bloom. Apparently, I didn't have the voice or the presence of aggressive, masculine Franz. But I casted perfectly for the role of neurotic, spineless wuss, Leo. *sigh*

I had several issues with this:

Leo = Mousy, frightened accountant.
Shahyan = Not. Maybe mousy, certainly not frightened. And most definitely not an accountant.

Leo = Lots of lines to learn.
Shahyan = Not wanting to.

Leo = Gets slapped around a lot.
Shahyan = Enjoys not being slapped around.

Leo = Lead role
Shahyan = Total acting experience: Tailor who got rejected in our 6th grade production of The Emperors New Clothes. One line. That is all.

But I decided to give it a shot anyway, despite my misgivings, partially because co-star and friend Tia Beg threatened to sit on me and/or break my legs if I opted out. And she'd have done it too.

Funny thing, I gained a bit of insight into what my mother actually thinks of me when I was sitting at home in our lounge, doing "homework," watching The Producers, The Movie. She probably doesn't remember this but anyway, there's a scene where Leo (Matthew Broderick) gets slapped around (literally *slap* *slap*) by Franz (Will Ferrell). She was passing by during this and stopped to watch. As Leo got slapped and looked all aggrieved and pained, she started chuckling and said, "Son, you're perfect for the role!" At the time, I just thought she was being encouraging and supportive. But later, I realized the deeper meaning behind her words... My mother thinks I'm the type of fellow who gets slapped around!! Naturally, this epiphany traumatized me and I spent several weeks high on meth in an attempt to escape reality... well, not really, but still.

Anyway, rehearsals got going. The ups and downs that are part and parcel of every theatrical production (at least I hope they are) were soon upon us. Days of progress, days of despair, days of wanting to hammer sharp nails into the director's back, days of wanting to drown some of the younger actors (like unwanted kittens, you know, cruelty), days of wanting to marry all of the female dancers (like at the same time, though the logistics of that would have been a bit of a challenge), days of wanting to be paid for this (all volunteer cast baby!), days of thanking God I wasn't getting paid for this (there was this one line I could never deliver with a straight face, no matter how hard I tried), days of this and days of that.

There was this one day where our director wasn't around (sorry Nida; I don't mind telling you this now though: p) and our energy levels were as low as the low of lows. We were supposed to do Act 1 Scene 1 but we didn't really want to. We managed to get through it by replacing every line we had to say with something incredibly obscene and/or completely inappropriate, yet still related to our characters. I would not post here some of the awful stuff we said even if you paid me. It was however the most fun we ever had doing Act 1 Scene 1. Sad (yet very good) that our version will never be put forth for public appreciation.

Anyway, we went on stage at the end of August. The public was appreciative and reaction on the whole was positive. My parents made it to two show nights and managed to get several decent photos of the performance, including a couple of movies. There's this video of one of our dances (Guten Tag Hop Clop with Franz) where I get a little beaten up. Every time I watch that, what stands out to me is this one lady in the audience. I can't see her obviously, because the camera was trained on the stage, but I can hear her chuckling throughout. EXCEPT when I get hit. Then the chuckles turn to loud guffaws... Sadist!

Naturally, one measly little posting isn't enough to encapsulate everything of note that occurred during this venture. Perhaps later on, if I ever become a regular poster, I will pull more Producers stories from the archives of my fantastic actor's memory. As in the memory is fantastic, not the acting. Well, the acting was pretty damn good too. Damn I'm good.