Iran What?

Vladimir Putin just said he is convinced that Iran doesn't have nuclear weapons. And I'm inclined to believe him. What could he possibly have to gain from such a statement anyway? After all, it's not as though Russia is helping Iran build an $800/- million, 1000 Megawatt nuclear reactor in the Southern Iranian city of Bushehr... oh...

Honestly people, could politicians BE (insert Chandleresque intonation here) worse liars? Hell, for 800 million of the very best, I'd stand in front of the world and say that the Democratic Party is still a force in United States politics. I'd actually do it for a lot less, but 800 million is the figure we've been given so work with me.

Simple math:
Iran does not have: Nuclear Weapons
Iran feels threatened by: The United States and Israel
The United States and Israel** have: Nuclear Weapons
The United States also has: Nuculur Weapons (No one really knows what those are yet. It's really rather worrying, these obscure technological advances that the US keeps making).
Iran wants: Nuclear Weapons
Russia has: Nuclear Weapons
Russia pretends to like but secretly hopes will fall flat on its face: The United States
Russia pretends to like but honestly doesn't care for: Israel
Iran realizes that it needs: Russia
Russia enjoys annoying: The United States
So Russia decides to help: Iran
Build: Nuclear Weapons
But neither Iran or Russia want to be attacked by: Israel or the United States
So they say the nuclear aid is for peaceful purposes not: Nuclear Weapons
But, surprise surprise, Iran now has: Nuclear Weapons
"Suckers!" says: Iran

**If you're going to tell me Israel doesn't have nuclear weapons, you're a liar (or worse, a politician), and are going to die a horrible, lonely death. It won't be STD-related though. (You should be so lucky.)

You see how this works? We could simulate the relationship between Israel and the United States using the same model by making the following adjustments to the above syntax:

Replace Russia with The United States
Replace The United States with Russia
Replace Iran with Israel
Replace Israel with Iran

Sometime soon, just for kicks, we're going to throw India and Pakistan into the mix. Whoa... I think I feel some poetry coming on.

Sometime soon, just for kicks
Introduce South Asia into the mix
Invite the North Koreans too
Their last gripe was overdue
The U.S., Israel and Iran
You can't forget Afghanistan
The Russians just might pee their pants
If China skipped and so did France
The United Kingdom will be there
For Blair's the dog in Bush's care
We're a nuclear family
No, you cannot join for free
In fact you cannot join at all
Unless you do...

Okay, I lost it... but it was good while it lasted.

Valentine's Day

So it's that time of the year again. Shiny, happy couples get mushy and those who are single (for whatever reason) just have to deal with it. If I hear one more person try to tell me that Valentine's Day is not a day for rubbing the noses of those who have no one in the dirt and is instead a day for the celebration of friendships of any sort, I swear to you I will hit them (with a blunt, heavy object if possible).

Seriously people, all this crap about letting your friends know how much you care is a weak attempt at covering up the truth behind the whole deal. Valentine's Day is all about spending money on that special someone and letting everyone know that you have a special someone and how much it sucks for them that they don't. (What?? You DON'T have a sweetheart?? Well, you must just be abnormal.) People who actually are in sincere, caring relationships don't need to know that others aren't and are generally happy enough to not require some commercial holiday hoohaa to proclaim their affection and devotion.

For your benefit, I have listed below several typical Valentine's Day scenarios and my thoughts on them:

Boy and Girl spend Hours working on "Cute", "Funny" and "Appropriate" Cards and Gifts for Each Other
Boy: Thank you!
Girl: Thank you!
(Boy suddenly realizes that Girl is getting too close for comfort. I mean, a wonderful card and a thoughtful gift; this can only mean she really cares about him. Relationships are great and all that, but he's a man and he needs his space and freedom. Cute as she is, she has got to go.
Girl comes to the conclusion that Boy is cheating on her and is being extra nice to her out of guilt. She tearfully calls Boy to end it and vows never to love again.)

Boy takes Girl out to Expensive Dinner and gives her a Dozen Roses
(Girl accuses boy of trying to buy her affections, and is devastated that he hasn't realized that she's a simple girl who appreciates the simple things in life and just wants to be loved. HOW could he be so insensitive???)

Boy wishes Girl Happy Valentines Day and asks if She wants to Hang Out Later
(Girl accuses boy of taking her for granted and assuming that he doesn't need to do anything to keep her with him. Well, if that's the way he's going to be, she's not going to be a part of his life any more. Doesn't he know that a woman needs to be appreciated?? She's a delicate, sensitive, emotional creature and if he can't understand that, he doesn't deserve her or ANY woman, you miserable, insensitive, unappreciative PIG.)

Boy gives Girl Flowers
Girl: Oh, you shouldn't have!!
(You bet he should have. Otherwise he would have had to deal with pursed lips, snappy answers and "You don't really care about me" for the next 6 weeks at the very least.)

Mushy Dating Couple goes out to Dinner
Man: Where would you like to sit honey?
Woman: How about by the window darling?
Man: Let me get that chair for you angel
Woman: Oh, you're such a gentleman!
(Just wait till you've been married a while. Suckers.)

So, to all you people out there who still think Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday that lets you share your love with that special someone in your life, I hope you die horrible, painful (preferably STD-related) deaths. Alone.

Lamisil AT

So I may be taking this humble beginnings thing a little too far. In all honesty, my first "real" blog should be a rant about the growing epidemic of AIDS, the morally bankrupt liberal left (how DARE they suggest people might have rights that the government won't give them??) or the Middle East. Everyone loves a blog about the Middle East. As you will see however, I have written about the latest craze that's making waves in toenail fungus removal circles: Lamisil AT!

I was watching a basketball game the other day* and damned if, during a commercial break, my eyes weren't suddenly assailed by a fungus-ridden toe. Now I'm as liberal as the next man (alright, maybe only every other man or every third man), but honestly, there are some things that should be kept off our screens and in the bedroom, preferably in a shoe.

Anyway, this ugly brown fellow appears (still on the TV here) and starts crowing with joy or something. Then the toenail (not the toe, just the toenail) miraculously lifts itself allowing this brown creature thing to gain entry to the mysterious region we'll call "the mysterious region between toe and toenail." Not much later, we see him saying hello to a few buds (friends, not the beer) and commenting on the wonderful view anyone who lives in this "mysterious region" has. Out of the blue, this huge white pill drops down on the scene and, in what I think was meant to be the beginning of a slow motion nuclear holcaust, our little brown pals are displaced from their humble home. I guess you could say they were NAILed. Haha.

Long story short, I went online looking for a clip of that commercial (but didn't find it, and still haven't). I can however, offer this advice: If you have a fear of fungus-ridden toes or toes in general, do not, repeat, DO NOT visit the Lamisil website. There's a larger than life photo of a really ugly toe (and the brown thing we've grown so fond of, but that's not important). My point is this: You don't need a photograph of a sickening toe on your website to sell your product, no matter how related to sickening toes your product is. The people who don't have toenail fungus don't want to know what toenail fungus looks like. And the people who do, well, they already know, don't they?

If you are brave enough to venture lamisil.com-wards, be sure to check out the "Treatment Stories" section. They're oh-so-heartwarming. Especially the story of Elizabeth, who "has diabetes, so she was very concerned about her toenails." I hear she's getting a Purple Heart sometime later this year, the brave soul.

Lamisil AT: Protecting your toenails and whatever the hell is under them since 2004.

*this Saturday

First blog

So I generally have a lot to say.
But no one ever pays any attention to me.
So, out of sheer desperation, I got The Indian* to help me set up a blog.
The mood is about to change.
Oh, and maybe the world too... who knows.
Don't hold your breath though.
I'm sure I'll have something of substance to say soon enough.
But still, don't hold your breath.

*Not his real name