The Daily Show

Alright, so I did this past week what I've been trying to muster enough gumption to do for a very long time. I wrote to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Mon - Thu 11/10c on Comedy Central) and politely requested that they consider employing my services if they happened to have a spot open on their roster this upcoming May.

ACTUALLY, I composed a desperate, devoid of all hope country song type of missive that will probably give them the impression that I spend most of my day on my knees (begging and pleading, not doing anything else). I included phrases like "I hope to God you read my plea in its entirety and decide I’m worth getting in touch with" and "Look. This means a lot to me. All I ask for is a chance." Basically, in hindsight, I made them think I'm a pathetic loser with low self esteem. Dammit!

HOWEVER, I did also, from time to time, insert stuff like:

"Think of me as an investment. I will pay off handsomely"
*Makes The Daily Show sound like a brothel.

"I’m also horribly smart. Trust me. I’m horribly smart"
*Illustrates my ability to get a point across to my viewers/listener/readers. I'm horribly smart, you see.

"Exactly how many genuine, bona fide, certified Pakistani citizens do you have working for the Daily Show?"
*Lets them know that I watched the Monorail episode of The Simpsons and am willing to steal other people's ideas for a few cheap laughs.

"I can be horribly bitter and sarcastic when I’m in the right mood (i.e. awake)."
*Hints at the little-known fact that I may occasionally from time to time have a subtle sarcastic moment from time to time, occasionally.

"Plus, I’ll even teach the entire Daily Show staff how to swear in Urdu, the national language of Pakistan."
*Elaborates on how I plan to use my cultural strengths to introduce diversity to the show.

So it wasn't ALL bad.

By the way, if you're from The Daily Show, and you're reading this, HIRE ME. NOW.

And if you're not from The Daily Show, and don't exactly want me dead, do me a favor:

1. Call 1-212-586-2477. (If you are under 18, please ask your parents' permission.)
2. Listen to the incredibly long automated response that will tell you that you can't reserve tickets for the show over the phone.
3. Leave a message telling Whoever Listens to These Messages that they need to hire me as soon as possible for the good of the show (the planet, world peace, blah blah. Be creative, I don't care. If you are under 18, tell them to do it for the children. That'll be cute and touching).
4. Don't forget to tell them my real name and current academic location. (If you're reading this, you probably know my real name and current academic location, right? And if you don't, hot damn, I've got a reader who doesn't know me!)
5. Hang up.
6. Repeat steps 1 through 5.

Thank you for your efforts. I am now going to go sit in a dark corner, rock back and forth and whine piteously until I hear good news. I might make a couple of phone calls myself, who knows.