Valentine's Day

So it's that time of the year again. Shiny, happy couples get mushy and those who are single (for whatever reason) just have to deal with it. If I hear one more person try to tell me that Valentine's Day is not a day for rubbing the noses of those who have no one in the dirt and is instead a day for the celebration of friendships of any sort, I swear to you I will hit them (with a blunt, heavy object if possible).

Seriously people, all this crap about letting your friends know how much you care is a weak attempt at covering up the truth behind the whole deal. Valentine's Day is all about spending money on that special someone and letting everyone know that you have a special someone and how much it sucks for them that they don't. (What?? You DON'T have a sweetheart?? Well, you must just be abnormal.) People who actually are in sincere, caring relationships don't need to know that others aren't and are generally happy enough to not require some commercial holiday hoohaa to proclaim their affection and devotion.

For your benefit, I have listed below several typical Valentine's Day scenarios and my thoughts on them:

Boy and Girl spend Hours working on "Cute", "Funny" and "Appropriate" Cards and Gifts for Each Other
Boy: Thank you!
Girl: Thank you!
(Boy suddenly realizes that Girl is getting too close for comfort. I mean, a wonderful card and a thoughtful gift; this can only mean she really cares about him. Relationships are great and all that, but he's a man and he needs his space and freedom. Cute as she is, she has got to go.
Girl comes to the conclusion that Boy is cheating on her and is being extra nice to her out of guilt. She tearfully calls Boy to end it and vows never to love again.)

Boy takes Girl out to Expensive Dinner and gives her a Dozen Roses
(Girl accuses boy of trying to buy her affections, and is devastated that he hasn't realized that she's a simple girl who appreciates the simple things in life and just wants to be loved. HOW could he be so insensitive???)

Boy wishes Girl Happy Valentines Day and asks if She wants to Hang Out Later
(Girl accuses boy of taking her for granted and assuming that he doesn't need to do anything to keep her with him. Well, if that's the way he's going to be, she's not going to be a part of his life any more. Doesn't he know that a woman needs to be appreciated?? She's a delicate, sensitive, emotional creature and if he can't understand that, he doesn't deserve her or ANY woman, you miserable, insensitive, unappreciative PIG.)

Boy gives Girl Flowers
Girl: Oh, you shouldn't have!!
(You bet he should have. Otherwise he would have had to deal with pursed lips, snappy answers and "You don't really care about me" for the next 6 weeks at the very least.)

Mushy Dating Couple goes out to Dinner
Man: Where would you like to sit honey?
Woman: How about by the window darling?
Man: Let me get that chair for you angel
Woman: Oh, you're such a gentleman!
(Just wait till you've been married a while. Suckers.)

So, to all you people out there who still think Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday that lets you share your love with that special someone in your life, I hope you die horrible, painful (preferably STD-related) deaths. Alone.