Hot or Not?

So housemate Chris is single... and getting desperate by all accounts. Earlier this week, he allowed other housemate, Clay, to convince him that posting a profile at www.hotornot.com was a great way to meet nice girls. This was a mistake for at least the two reasons given below:

1. Allowing Clay to convince you of anything is a bad idea, especially now that he's almost half a lawyer. They have no morals. And Clay didn't many to begin with.
2. Clay found his current girlfriend on HotorNot. Chris chose not to learn from vicarious experience.

HotorNot is, for all intents and purposes, a meat market. Tons of girls who like cars and bikes (believe it or not) and tons of guys who are "sensitive and caring." I would be lying if I said I haven't been tempted to create a profile on there myself to see what comes of it... but so far the fear of being stalked by some clingy, hideous, disease ridden monstrosity is keeping me strong. That and the fact that NO.

Back to Chris. With all websites and online "match making" services like this, the first photograph can make or break you. Chris's introductory viewing needed to be stunning, fantastic, irresistible even. It needed to say, "Look at me! I'm single and Canadian! But not too Canadian! Won't you break bread with me under the soft silver moon?"

This took time.

Chris had the desire, the tripod, and the fancy shmancy camera.
And the wifebeater (sleeveless vest... see Wikipedia - type wifebeater - for more, if you care. "The origin of the term is from the stereotype that the shirts are worn predominantly by men who beat their wives." Run, mother, run!!)
And the tight t-shirt that showed off his "physique" without showing his "physique"
And the shirtless shot, that both showed and showed off his "physique"
And the winning smile ("I'm itch-free and great company!")
And the side pose ("I have too many interests to focus just on getting my picture taken!")
And the I'm-strong-enough-to-carry-my-bike-and-grin picture (designed to attract athletic pieces of meat)

A lot of thought and consideration was expended on the all-important picture. Unfortunately, in the midst of this, we were accosted by a surreptitiously taken photo of Clay's ugly naked behind, which naturally traumatized us all, even Clay, who had no idea what his posterior looked like until he saw the photograph.

So snapshots were narrowed down, selected and posted, along with a charming blurb that was meant to amuse, titillate and allure. To be fair, Chris's was probably half-decent. Here are extracts from some others I found in five minutes of "research." Actual items bolded. Clever, humorous add-ons by me in italics.

"I'm very easy going. I'm also very strong willed."
And how exactly does that work?
"Did I mention I'm schizophrenic?"

"I like to do normal girl stuff like going to the mall with friends and movies."
So you go to the mall with movies?
"I have sub-average sentence construction skills."

"I love to save animals."
From what?
"From my inability to put together a coherent thought."

"I am very diverse and like lots of different things!"
Could you make a sentence that says less of substance than this one did?
"No."

"I like to ride my motorcycle and hang out at the beach!"
(This was actually a complete blurb, not an extract.)
Clearly, you are fit to be the mother of my children.

"Let's be honist (sic). I don't look like I have been hit by a shovel!"
Maybe just grazed by one...

*sigh* Good luck Chris. And God help us all if you find someone.