Touchdowns in the Bathroom

Yeah, so I'm still waiting on the church posting. Stupid life keeps happening, and I have to keep doing stuff to stop it. You know how it goes.

Anyway, today I'm introducing a whole new genre to my already widely varied bloggery: Pottyology. I'm almost certain I'm going to look back on this posting with regret and delete it at some point in the future so enjoy it while you can. It's just that I had one of those Eureka moments yesterday, and I feel the need to share it with my loyal readership which, including my mother is now at, I believe, one.

So yesterday I was answering the call of nature (For those of you unfamiliar with the call of nature, it sounds something like "Rumble rumble, nowhere to go but down and out"... gosh, I'm disgusting.) and I realized that I never left the restroom without converting my "touchdown" (or "try" for you rugby types) as it were.

OK, I'm going to try to explain this without making you throw up. Every time you score a "touchdown" or a "try" you get "more points" because it was for a "longer play" that required “considerable effort.” Then you try to tack on another couple by "converting," for which you get "less points" because it's a "shorter" play requiring "less effort." Now, if you haven't already done so, put on your thinking cap (or bowler hat… haha… Sorry) and convert this to bathroom terminology. Make sense? If not, you're too old to be reading this and you're going to be dead soon so it doesn't matter anyway.

Now my nature answering habits may differ from yours but, personally, there is nothing more unsatisfying than an unconverted touchdown. You're left sitting there wondering what happened to it... has there been a "delay of game"? Why are there no "penalty flags"? No way in hell they're overturning this one...

Once again, I apologize.

Campus Jihad for Christ

So this morning I went to the Apex Church in Kettering because Rachel told me about a Muslim who converted to Christianity who would be speaking and she figured I might be interested. What actually sparked this invitation was an ongoing conversation she and I have been having about the college campus Christian groups that call themselves "Campus Crusade for Christ." Now these groups are generally filled with really nice people (such as Rachel, and the aptly named, and very manly, Michael Trinity) and I have no problems whatsoever with their characters, activities and taste in cheese. But, to a Muslim (or someone who likes to think he is a Muslim i.e. me) the name “Campus Crusade for Christ” reverberates the way the name "Campus Jihad for Muhammad" would reverberate in a Christian brain. That is, somewhat uncomfortable-making-you-feelingly.

Anyway, I suggested to Rachel that her group might be better off if they changed their name to "Campus Jihad for Christ" for the following reasons:

1. A Crusade means, according to dictionary.com and Yahoo! Reference:
a. Any of the military expeditions undertaken by European Christians in the 11th, 12th, and 13th centuries to recover the Holy Land from the Muslims.
b. A holy war undertaken with papal sanction.
c. A vigorous concerted movement for a cause or against an abuse.

Notice that the two primary definitions involve war, hence giving the word a somewhat threatening aura... aura? Well, you know what I'm trying to say. Anyway, short version: Crusade = War

2. The meanings of the word Jihad (if you speak to a rational Muslims and not one of those crackpots who likes killing white folk) are as follows, in order of relevance and importance:
a. Struggle with one’s self to overcome temptation, improve one’s self and be a better servant of God.
b. Struggle to convince others of the truth of one's path and guide them that way if they are so inclined.
c. Defending one’s self against aggression on the part of an enemy.
(Seriously, this is the last time I am using “one’s self” in my writing.)
Anyway, yes, the tertiary definition is all about war (a defensive war, but war nevertheless). But the primary and secondary definitions are not. Jihad of the Mind and Jihad of the Pen are given more importance in Islam (at least the Islam I have been taught) than Jihad of the Sword is.

Now, what I think my friends in these Christian groups (Campus Crusade, Switchfoot, The Mel Gibson Fan Club etc) are trying to do is
a. improve themselves (Jihad)
b. share their faith with others (Jihad)
c. not declare war on the infidels (not Crusade)

So the Crusade word thing in their name thing just doesn't make sense thing. I encouraged Rachel to start a nationwide movement to have the name changed to Campus Jihad for Christ but I haven't seen colorful fliers or prime time television commercials yet so she still has a ways to go. Don't worry Rach, you'll get there.

OK, so the whole Crusade/Jihad thing was totally not supposed to be this long. I'm going to have to write about my exciting Church experience in another post.

Al Franken is Boring

You know what? Al Franken is boring. That's why people turn their radio dials over to Rush between noon and 3 every weekday. Yes, Rush is 86.4% more lies than Franken is. But at least he's entertaining. For the record, Franken has a FLING (Fabricatin' Like Its Nineteen... Gosh-we're-already-in-the-21st-century) Index of 0.5 - which means I'm willing to believe half of what he says... at least half of what I manage to keep myself awake for. Seriously, listen to his show. He has that deep droning voice, thinks too much before he says anything (which is a bad thing on the radio) and basically plods through segments like a wildebeest with a hangover.

Anyway, based on my half-arsed mathematics and the FLING Matrix, we find that Rush Limbaugh has a FLING Ratio of 0.932, which effectively means that the only time he isn't lying is when he says "ummmm," "hemmmm," haawww," "folks" or "we'll be right back after this."

My posts are becoming more and more one dimensional. Stupid politics. I hereby solemnly swear that my next post will be on a subject completely different. Something like socks. Or polar bears with dysentry.

Right v Left v... Where's the Third Party Dammit?

Yes, long absence.

So the extreme right in America makes me laugh for the following reasons:

1. They won't give Harriet Miers due process but they demands it for Sam Alito. Oh, and George W. Bush has the right to nominate whoever he wants for the Supreme Court... as long as they agree with the pick. Otherwise God help him. But not really. Because God only loves true conservatives.
2. It's not OK to kill unborn children on purpose, but it's perfectly fine if their loss is collateral damage in war.
3. It's OK to talk of "Crusades" and "Jesus" but God Forbid you mention "Jihad" and "Allah" in the same context.
4. It's more important to point out why the left is wrong rather than why they are right (right as in correct, not right as in conservative).
5. They think they're mainstream America. Gosh, I'd be dead/deported/Gitmo'ed/something-else-that's-really terrible if they were.

Irrational, temperamental, self-centered... it's like watching a bunch of three year olds fighting over cake.

So the extreme left makes me laugh... well, cry for the following reasons:

1. They're pathetic.
2. They have no plan.
3. They have no direction.
4. They have no stance.
5. They have nothing.

And the centrists make me scratch my head and wonder why it's necessary for them to align with one set of kooks or the other. What a waste of intelligence.

McCain-Powell 2008. You heard it first here. In my dreams.

Notice I rarely back up my opinons with solid facts. This is because:

1. I don't really have the time to fact-check and cite and source and all that jazz.
2. This is MY HOUSE. I say what I want!