Rap Song - Enemies Anemones

So I've decided to write a rap song... I downloaded a bunch of freestyle beats last night and am seriously considering a couple of them. I need to work on my lyrics though... I came up with a great line when I was in the shower yesterday (Hey, it worked for Archimedes, didn't it?) but I haven't quite managed to construct a rap around it:

I ain't got no enemies
But I got anemones
In a fishbowl

Now I wasn't sure about the pronunciation of the word "anemone" because
a) I distinctly remember calling it an "an-eh-moan" when I was five or six years old.
b) Sure they say "ah-ne-money" in Finding Nemo but can you really trust a cartoon?
Tif confirmed that Finding Nemo is in fact a reliable source for the pronunciation of otherwise obscure marine-type words. We also had a spirited discussion (well, it lasted about 5 seconds, but it was productive) on the suitability of the word "tank" as compared to the word "bowl" as the last word in the line. Bowl was agreed upon.

Now all that remains is the rest of the song... I'm considering playing around with the line I already have... maybe give it more of a street feel:

I got no homies, only street enemies
I got no street anemones
In my sixteen dollar hotel room
Yeah Yeah... Uh Huh... Yeah Yeah...
Thas Riiight Daaawg
In my sixteen dollar hotel room

Or a Cowboy rap:

My enemies left me without saying goodbye
Anemones have left me; they took my good guitar
My fish bowl has left me; I'm a hungry, lonely, thirsty man
*insert mournful harmonica*

Maybe a boy band rap:

Baybeee, I got no enemies just your heart
Baybeee, I got anemones just like your heart
In my broken fish bowl just like my heart
Oh baybeee, I don't have the heart to break your heart
The way you broke my fishbowl...

OK, never mind.

Sigmund's Wife

So what does Sigmund's wife wear to bed?
A Freudian slip.

CIA, Pakistan, Anger

A few words about the CIA attack on the village of Damadola in Pakistan:

1. What a stupid thing to do. Remember Jean Charles de Menezes? The Brazilian fellow who was murdered on the London Underground? Yeah, well this is that all over again. But is anyone going to mourn 17 invisible, unimportant Pakistani village children, their mothers and fathers? No. Because we're too busy drinking oil and watching the latest installment of American Idol. Please. 12 West Virginia coal miners die in a freak accident and there are inquests and memorials. 17 Pakistani villagers are murdered due to misinformation and *cough cough* oops? Each loss of life is tragic, but you wouldn't know it in the world we live in.

2. If the CIA did carry out the attack, why didn't they cover it the HELL up? Pakistan is in enough trouble as it is. The last thing we need is a wanton (and well publicized) violation of our airspace and sovereignty in this manner. Obviously some pompous jackass safe and sound in a bunker miles underground (anyone seen Dick Cheney lately?) wanted credit for this action and leaked the story to the media. "Hey, we just sent jets 50 miles into Pakistani territory to blow some innocent villagers to smithereens!! But say we got Al Zawahiri... you know... to make it seem legit. And give the CIA credit... we rule!" Now the Pakistani government will be under fire from the domestic, hell-bound, bearded ones and many other more reasonable people. I mean, are we a sovereign nation or aren't we?

3. So why couldn't the Pakistan Air Force carry out the attack, if it was so completely necessary to have one? Last time I checked, we had planes. And pilots. And our President seems to enjoy being W's blue eyed boy. So much for "friends" and "allies."

4. If you happen to be American, I'm sure this is all worlds away for you; impoverished Pakistani villagers? Sixteen of them? Seventeen? Who cares? But, any day, some hotshot pilot could get "confirmed and accurate information" that Osama bin Laden is hanging out just chillin' in my parents backyard. (Why he would do that, I do not know. Anyone who's been to my place knows all the green grass and pretty flowers are in the front.) And that scares me. Because the pawn on the plane will do what he's told to do. And governments will deny all knowledge. And then the Pakistani government will "file a protest." What bloody good does "filing a protest" do anyway? "Here. Piece of paper saying we're kind of mad. OK, I feel better now."

My only real comfort is that God is watching. Sometimes I wish He were more Republican... you know, preemptive and irrationally angry; He could smite F-16s from the sky when He sees them flying on missions supported by flimsy, plain wrong or non-existent evidence. That would make me happy. It'd be like the Bermuda Triangle... The Bermuda Earth... featuring God... the Omnipresent, Omniscient Smiter of Errant F-16s (and Other Flying Objects). Now there's a good reality show for you. None of that "Skating with Celebrities" crap we're going to have inflicted on us later this month.

Airports, Parents, California

So a lot has happened since my last post, one of those things being a lot of not posting. I'll try to get you up to speed with a few choice snippets.

I flew to Los Angeles and back with my brother over the Christmas holidays. Keep in mind this meant we were on no less than FOUR airliners operating in United States airspace in about a 14 day period; two long haired Pakistani Muslim (or so they like to think) males (or so they like to think) of around the age where they go through the I-wanna-blow-myself-up stage. We were stopped for extra security checks (you know shoes off, socks smelly, why is your underwear dirty type of searching) not once, not twice, but ZERO freakin times. I felt like walking back to the TSA people and saying, "Hey. We're Muslim. We're brothers. We have John Walker Lindh hairstyles. We're flying on the SAME PLANE. Aren't you going to probe us or something?"

The funny thing is I always get stopped when I fly alone. Hell, my harmless (I mean, they even LOOK harmless) parents were stopped and searched every flight when they visited me in May (I don't know what happened on their visit last month). Apparently my brother has this weird disarming quality that affects only officials of the government of the United States of America. Remember when the U.S. Embassy decided he wasn't even enough of a threat to be fingerprinted?

Anyway, this incident leads me to believe that either

a) The United States government does not actively indulge in racial and ethnic profiling, or
b) The United States government actively indulges in racial and ethnic profiling, and SUCKS at it.

So, as I mentioned parenthetically above, my parents visited again this December. This time it was just to "be near the boys" since they couldn't come up with a good reason for spending 12 days in freaking DAYTON OHIO. Yes.

2 return tickets to the United States: $4000 (or thereabouts)
Cost of hotel room for two weeks: $500 (we got a good deal)
Total public bus fare over the two weeks: $20 (fearless explorers are my parents)
Getting to "be near the boys" in Dayton, Ohio: PRICELESS

Does not compute.

California was fun. Some highlights:

1. I'm 99.99% certain I saw a cross-dressing transvestite (is that possible?) prostitute on the Los Angeles metro this one day. Just sharing a subway car with that him/her made me want to take a shower. ALONE. To get myself CLEAN. He/she was going to North Hollywood. I know this not because I followed him/her, but because he/she did not get off at Hollywood and Vine, which was the second to last stop for the Red Line, which was where I escaped from the train. Lesson #1: Stay away from North Hollywood.

2. My brother and I took this "Homes of the Stars" tour; Mulholland Drive, Beverly Hills and such and such. My overall impression of the tour was, "God, stupid rich people spend a lot of money to live near each other in cramped, crappy houses on steep hills with narrow winding roads." Maybe when I'm rich and stupid, I'll do that too. Our tour guide was Scottish though. That was fun. Nothing quite like touring Hollywood with a Scotsman. I mean, it makes things so authentic!

3. So my uncle and aunt (in California, this is where we stayed) got this weird idea that my brother and I were missing Ohio. So they took us to Palm Springs for a day where the temperature was TWENTY DEGREES (- 8 or so for you centigrade types) and the wind was BRISK and MURDEROUS. I don't really know what they were thinking... "You know, it's been forever since we've been pointlessly unkind to our sons and our house guests..."

4. On the return journey, McDonalds at LAX tried to sell me a parfait for $3.25! if I weren't so addicted to them, I'd quit eating the dollar parfaits here in Dayton in protest. My protests never really work out anyway. I'm back to using UDF for milk and ice cream and such as well. *sigh*

I just realized I listed seeing a cross-dressing prostitute as one of the "highlights" of my visit to California... I must need help.

Touchdowns in the Bathroom

Yeah, so I'm still waiting on the church posting. Stupid life keeps happening, and I have to keep doing stuff to stop it. You know how it goes.

Anyway, today I'm introducing a whole new genre to my already widely varied bloggery: Pottyology. I'm almost certain I'm going to look back on this posting with regret and delete it at some point in the future so enjoy it while you can. It's just that I had one of those Eureka moments yesterday, and I feel the need to share it with my loyal readership which, including my mother is now at, I believe, one.

So yesterday I was answering the call of nature (For those of you unfamiliar with the call of nature, it sounds something like "Rumble rumble, nowhere to go but down and out"... gosh, I'm disgusting.) and I realized that I never left the restroom without converting my "touchdown" (or "try" for you rugby types) as it were.

OK, I'm going to try to explain this without making you throw up. Every time you score a "touchdown" or a "try" you get "more points" because it was for a "longer play" that required “considerable effort.” Then you try to tack on another couple by "converting," for which you get "less points" because it's a "shorter" play requiring "less effort." Now, if you haven't already done so, put on your thinking cap (or bowler hat… haha… Sorry) and convert this to bathroom terminology. Make sense? If not, you're too old to be reading this and you're going to be dead soon so it doesn't matter anyway.

Now my nature answering habits may differ from yours but, personally, there is nothing more unsatisfying than an unconverted touchdown. You're left sitting there wondering what happened to it... has there been a "delay of game"? Why are there no "penalty flags"? No way in hell they're overturning this one...

Once again, I apologize.

Campus Jihad for Christ

So this morning I went to the Apex Church in Kettering because Rachel told me about a Muslim who converted to Christianity who would be speaking and she figured I might be interested. What actually sparked this invitation was an ongoing conversation she and I have been having about the college campus Christian groups that call themselves "Campus Crusade for Christ." Now these groups are generally filled with really nice people (such as Rachel, and the aptly named, and very manly, Michael Trinity) and I have no problems whatsoever with their characters, activities and taste in cheese. But, to a Muslim (or someone who likes to think he is a Muslim i.e. me) the name “Campus Crusade for Christ” reverberates the way the name "Campus Jihad for Muhammad" would reverberate in a Christian brain. That is, somewhat uncomfortable-making-you-feelingly.

Anyway, I suggested to Rachel that her group might be better off if they changed their name to "Campus Jihad for Christ" for the following reasons:

1. A Crusade means, according to dictionary.com and Yahoo! Reference:
a. Any of the military expeditions undertaken by European Christians in the 11th, 12th, and 13th centuries to recover the Holy Land from the Muslims.
b. A holy war undertaken with papal sanction.
c. A vigorous concerted movement for a cause or against an abuse.

Notice that the two primary definitions involve war, hence giving the word a somewhat threatening aura... aura? Well, you know what I'm trying to say. Anyway, short version: Crusade = War

2. The meanings of the word Jihad (if you speak to a rational Muslims and not one of those crackpots who likes killing white folk) are as follows, in order of relevance and importance:
a. Struggle with one’s self to overcome temptation, improve one’s self and be a better servant of God.
b. Struggle to convince others of the truth of one's path and guide them that way if they are so inclined.
c. Defending one’s self against aggression on the part of an enemy.
(Seriously, this is the last time I am using “one’s self” in my writing.)
Anyway, yes, the tertiary definition is all about war (a defensive war, but war nevertheless). But the primary and secondary definitions are not. Jihad of the Mind and Jihad of the Pen are given more importance in Islam (at least the Islam I have been taught) than Jihad of the Sword is.

Now, what I think my friends in these Christian groups (Campus Crusade, Switchfoot, The Mel Gibson Fan Club etc) are trying to do is
a. improve themselves (Jihad)
b. share their faith with others (Jihad)
c. not declare war on the infidels (not Crusade)

So the Crusade word thing in their name thing just doesn't make sense thing. I encouraged Rachel to start a nationwide movement to have the name changed to Campus Jihad for Christ but I haven't seen colorful fliers or prime time television commercials yet so she still has a ways to go. Don't worry Rach, you'll get there.

OK, so the whole Crusade/Jihad thing was totally not supposed to be this long. I'm going to have to write about my exciting Church experience in another post.

Al Franken is Boring

You know what? Al Franken is boring. That's why people turn their radio dials over to Rush between noon and 3 every weekday. Yes, Rush is 86.4% more lies than Franken is. But at least he's entertaining. For the record, Franken has a FLING (Fabricatin' Like Its Nineteen... Gosh-we're-already-in-the-21st-century) Index of 0.5 - which means I'm willing to believe half of what he says... at least half of what I manage to keep myself awake for. Seriously, listen to his show. He has that deep droning voice, thinks too much before he says anything (which is a bad thing on the radio) and basically plods through segments like a wildebeest with a hangover.

Anyway, based on my half-arsed mathematics and the FLING Matrix, we find that Rush Limbaugh has a FLING Ratio of 0.932, which effectively means that the only time he isn't lying is when he says "ummmm," "hemmmm," haawww," "folks" or "we'll be right back after this."

My posts are becoming more and more one dimensional. Stupid politics. I hereby solemnly swear that my next post will be on a subject completely different. Something like socks. Or polar bears with dysentry.

Right v Left v... Where's the Third Party Dammit?

Yes, long absence.

So the extreme right in America makes me laugh for the following reasons:

1. They won't give Harriet Miers due process but they demands it for Sam Alito. Oh, and George W. Bush has the right to nominate whoever he wants for the Supreme Court... as long as they agree with the pick. Otherwise God help him. But not really. Because God only loves true conservatives.
2. It's not OK to kill unborn children on purpose, but it's perfectly fine if their loss is collateral damage in war.
3. It's OK to talk of "Crusades" and "Jesus" but God Forbid you mention "Jihad" and "Allah" in the same context.
4. It's more important to point out why the left is wrong rather than why they are right (right as in correct, not right as in conservative).
5. They think they're mainstream America. Gosh, I'd be dead/deported/Gitmo'ed/something-else-that's-really terrible if they were.

Irrational, temperamental, self-centered... it's like watching a bunch of three year olds fighting over cake.

So the extreme left makes me laugh... well, cry for the following reasons:

1. They're pathetic.
2. They have no plan.
3. They have no direction.
4. They have no stance.
5. They have nothing.

And the centrists make me scratch my head and wonder why it's necessary for them to align with one set of kooks or the other. What a waste of intelligence.

McCain-Powell 2008. You heard it first here. In my dreams.

Notice I rarely back up my opinons with solid facts. This is because:

1. I don't really have the time to fact-check and cite and source and all that jazz.
2. This is MY HOUSE. I say what I want!

Political Compass

Now, I know this isn't supposed to be a link-posting, website pushing type of blog, but this is rather interesting. If you are the least bit politically inclined, go to Political Compass and take their test to determine how far left, right, up or down you are.

I ended up with coordinates of (-4.63, -0.56) on their graph, meaning (according to my hopeful interpretation) that I'm a Left-Leaning Moderate with Libertarian tendencies. I didn't expect to land SO far left. I guess I'm more of a commie than I thought. You go Stalin!

How to Win Iraq and Afghanistan (or at least Stop Losing)

So the whole Iraq War thing is hotting up again (did it ever really cool down?) and we have the Sheehans and the anti-Sheehans and the pundits and the morons wanting the whole world to hear what they think about Iraq and the troops and dead soldiers and live soldiers and elections and Iran and terrorism.

And now (in the tradition of loudmouth moron-dom) it's my turn.

1. Cindy Sheehan lost her son. You cannot belittle his sacrifice or hers. She must be given the utmost respect and honor, no matter what her views. Calling her behavior "disgraceful" and denouncing her as a "tool of the left" is just cheap and despicable (which I guess explains why Rush keeps doing just that).

2. Cindy Sheehan has a skewed perspective of the future of Iraq. Bringing the troops home will not solve anything. I hate to agree with W, but they need to stay in Iraq. If they don't this will happen:
530 pm: 138,000 fatigue wearing, gun-toting Americans leave Iraq.
531 pm: Abu Musab Al Zarqawi and his buddies stroll into Baghdad, kill a few (thousand) people and establish the Hardcore Fundamentalist Islamic Republic of Iraq - Osamas join free.
532 pm: The world says "Oh Crap."

3. America is not going to win Afghanistan or Iraq unless things change drastically. You don't want to reduce troop numbers. You want to INCREASE them. These piecemeal battles will help only the extremists. Quite frankly, things look really bad. I'm not going to harp on past mistakes, lies, false pretexts, misjudgements and stupidity. Forget what's happened. Look at where we are right now, and what needs to be done. Here are the steps I feel are needed to rescue what appears to be more and more of a lost cause:

1. The US needs to forget about North Korea, Venezuela, Iran, Syria and all the other fun places it may want to invade (for now, anyway) and focus on just the two it's already caught up in.
FOCUS: IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.

2. The US should increase, as much as possible, troop numbers in both Afghanistan and Iraq. Keeping the bare minimum required to give the impression of some semblance of order and security will not do. The extremists will not be deterred by such a wishy washy effort. They will be encouraged by the apparent indecision and lack of commitment on the part of the coalition. In addition, the general public will be more and more alienated from the cause as days go by; a status quo of instability and uncertainty is not progress - and every time a civilian dies in this long drawn out effort, more hearts and minds are lost. The longer these wars take, the harder they will be to win.
INCREASE TROOP NUMBERS SIGNIFICANTLY AND GO AFTER THE TERRORISTS.

3. There are some possible objections to what I just wrote:

a. This would mean putting more troops in harms way.Yes, it would. But you're not a soldier to sit around and claim benefits. You're a soldier to fight (By the way, this is one reason I laugh when soldiers and their families whine about their being sent to Iraq because they just signed up for the army or the National Guard or the Marines "to pay for college." You join the army to fight for your country. You take out a loan to pay for college. Idiots.). Sending more troops now means sending less later. Bringing the troops home would be a very selfish thing to do, especially considering the fragile situation that part of the world is in right now.
THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR THAT LASTS FOREVER.

b. Iraq and Afghanistan themselves and other coalition partners should play a larger supporting role.
YOU WANTED THIS MESS. YOU CLEAN IT UP. (*sigh* So ugly is the truth. TO W's credit, he's not shirking the responsibility one bit.)

c. Increasing troop numbers would imply a larger, longer occupation.Yes, this is a problem. I do have an idea however, and I'm sure no one will like it, but it may be a way to get stuff done. Keep the US military there, but have them under the command of Iraqis or Afghans of high rank. Yes, this is a strange, undesirable idea but if followed through with, it may convince the people of each occupied nation that the US and its allies
1. Do not consider themselves superior to the natives
2. Do not want a monopoly on power
3. Are there to help and are willing to do what the nations wants
4. Are clearly not an occupying force if they answer to native military officials
And then they may stop the hating. These are extraordinary times. And extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. It is important however, that this not be just a typical PR junket. The commanders need to have real decision making power. The Iraqis and Afghans are not stupid. They know how to run an army. They just lack the strength and firepower they need. And the US, as a true friend, can provide that.
WORK FOR THEM, NOT AROUND THEM.

4. Stop whining about faulty intelligence and WMDs. What's done is done. Much as I would love to see some people get what they deserve, I'm sure God has a better payment-for-your-sins plan than I or any of the whiners out there, can conceive. Look at what's here, NOW. And fix it. This is to you, Dems. (Well, expecting you to fix it is probably asking too much. At least don't get in the way of those who can.)

5. Admit your mistakes. No one is perfect. I've lost what little respect I had for the current administration because they're hell-bent on telling everyone that they're perfect and haven't set a foot wrong. Psst. Mr. and Mrs. American Politicians. Let me tell you a secret. WE KNOW YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN DAMMIT.

So there you go. Not the most eloquent of posts. I dare say my ideas could do with a fair amount of fine tuning and making-sound-bettering but that's the core. I know it's asking a lot, but you're America. Talk the talk. Walk the walk... You know what the problem is? The rest of the world holds America to the high standards it holds for itself. You guys just don't leave yourselves any room for error... and then when shit happens... yeah. That's another post altogether.

This ends here.

What kind of US Embassy...

So my brother might actually be here in a week or so... scary. Scarier for me than for you, trust me. Yeah... I'm not saying any more.

So, it's no secret that the U.S. is hurting for high quality international students at their institutions of higher education. We know this because I know this. I know this because I don't personally know anyone who came to the United States to study AFTER 9/11, but I know tons of people who came BEFORE. Yes, much as I hate to harp on it, this has to do with 9/11. The number of international students in US universities has gone down significantlyas the smart (and not-so-smart-but-filthy-rich) Muslims (and those-who-like-to-think-they're-Muslims-but-there-are-some-who-would-beg-to-differ) now go to Australia, England and Canada.

Except me. And my brother. We are truly loyal Americans. *takes bite out of Big Mac while watching American Idol and downloading photographs of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen*

So, no smart or filthy rich brown people in American universities.
Ergo, most American universities = not happy (or secretly happy but just don't want to admit it).
Ergo, US Ambassador (or someone from the embassy, anyway) to Pakistan writes a long article in Pakistani newspaper (about 6 months ago now) encouraging Pakistanis to consider furthering their education in the U.S. and promising fair and efficient visa processing.
Ergo, my brother applies and gets into good ol' UD (Honestly, he had already applied at the time of the article).
Ergo, he applies for a US visa and goes to Islamabad for an interview.

So, visa granted (woohoo) but hang on a turban-wearing minute. The passport must go to "Washington" for some sort of "security check." Oh well, it's the middle of June. Plenty of time, right?

WRONG. Beginning of August = No passport back. Two weeks to departure (if at all). Much anxiety. Someone forgot to pay some silly fees (not our fault, by the way). Fees paid. Passport on way back. Relief, right?

WRONG. Some genius at the US Embassy in Islamabad FORGOT TO FINGERPRINT THE BROTHER WHEN HE WENT FOR HIS INTERVIEW. Seriously now, answer me this:

What kind of US Embassy forgets to fingerprint a 19 year old Pakistani male??

Gosh, if I were my brother, I'd be almost offended. Poor fellow looked so harmless, they didn't even think of fingerprinting him. Haha. So they called him back (and by back I mean a 2 hour flight each way) and did the deed. Passport back. Brother fingerprinted. Flight confirmed. All set to go, right?

WRONG. Pretty much anywhere we green passport holders land, we need a visa of some sort. And, since the brother will be spending a couple of hours at Frankfurt Airport, he needs a transit visa. So, on to the Germans. Let's hope their efficiency overcomes their xenophobia.

And you black folks think you have it rough... *sigh*

A Sad Day for Common Sense + Bye Bye King

John R Bolton has been appointed the United States' Permanent Representative to the United Nations. This is the kind of crap you expect from corrupt, power hungry Third World governments. Appoint an anti-UN idiot as the ambassador to the UN. Please. Surely America has more talent than this? On the other hand, look at the President. And the guy who failed to beat him.

Honestly though, to the Democrats, if you can't even beat George W. in an election, you deserve everything bad that happens to you. Whine away. We don't care. Just keep Bolton's moustache away from me... Aaaaagh! Get Away! Shoo!

So King Fahd died. Boo. Hoo. If there ever was a monarch that defined hypocrisy, he was it. In bed with the West and money and capitalism and all that jazz yet incredibly harsh and oppressive to his own people; supporting conservative, anti-West Islam to appease the Saudi fanatics while whispering sweet nothings and pouring oil into the white man's ears. Good riddance.

*sigh* So much hate...

Murder Most Needless

Name: Jean Charles de Menezes
Age: 27
Cause of Death: 5 bullets to head and torso
Killers: Plainclothed Officers of the London Metropolitan Police
Crime: He was a man of South Asian appearance who, while wearing a heavy padded jacket, left a house in the shady London neighborhood of Brixton, leaped the turnstiles at the London Underground's Stockwell Station and ran onto a train less than a day after 4 terrorists botched an attempt to copy the criminal attacks of two weeks earlier.

That was his crime, word for word. You'll find it reported that way in every news source, wherever you look. Honestly, even I thought he was guilty of trying to blow something up. And one of the witnesses said he saw wires hanging out of de Menezes' jacket.

Only one thing bothered me. Another witness said the man looked "petrified" as he was hauled down and shot dead. "Petrified" is not an expression you associate with a terrorist. "He must have been terribly disappointed to have failed in his mission to kill innocents," we all thought, and moved on with our lives.

Now, the key points of this story, told the way they should be:

He was South Asian
No, he was Brazilian. Jackasses. And so what if he looked South Asian?

He was wearing a heavy padded jacket
This was London, England. He was Brazilian. He felt cold. I was in London in the summer of 2000. I had a jacket on most of the time. I still felt cold. Jackasses.

He left a house in Brixton
He was only an electrician. Forgive him for being forced to conduct business or even live in an area that deosn't measure up to your high standards. Jackasses.

He ran from the police
If you happen to be in a shady neighborhood, and are followed from that neighborhood by several casually dressed (remember, PLAINCLOTHED OFFICERS) people who suddenly yell at you to stop, what would you do? Turn around and chat with them? Jackasses.

He had wires hanging from his jacket
I only found one report of this... this means either that the so-called witness was a sensationalist who was looking for fame or that the man who had been murdered was an electrician. Jackasses.


Of course, this quiet, hard working young man will soon be forgotten. But his murder should not. It is one thing to be killed in cold blood by those who want to hurt you and do you harm. It is entirely another to be killed in cold blood by those who have sworn to protect you.

Remember Jean Charles de Menezes. He could have been you. You could have been him.

Narnia, Aslan, Tash, Foreigner

Warning: Spoilers Ahead

So I just finished reading The Chronicles of Narnia. I think it's safe to say I can add Clive Staples Lewis to the list of people who have actively tried to make me Christian. What is that now, three?

Anyway, after page after page of preaching and proselytizing, Aslan (ie God) meets Emeth (a Calormene warrior - one of the "bad guys" ) who had been worshipping Tash (the Devil, or some such representation) but was sincere in his worship and honestly wanted to do good. So they have the typical benevolent-god-meets-errant-but-all-in-all-good-creation conversation. "Fear not my son" etc etc. And then Clive Staples Lewis writes probably the most liberal passage in the entire 767 page tome, and I, shockingly (shockingly because I tend to disagree with things both liberal and conservative - and this is a liberal passage by a conservative writer), agree with it almost completely (see near the end of this posting for the point that prevented me from agreeing with it completely completely).

Anyway, for those of you who care enough to still be reading this post, here is the passage (from near the end of book #7, The Last Battle), as narrated by Emeth: "Then by reason of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, 'Lord, is it then true, as the ape (*Blogger's Note: The ape is a jackass) said, that thou and Tash are one?' The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, 'It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites - I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore, if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dosts thou understand, Child?' I said, ' Lord, Thou knowest how much I understand.' (But I also said, for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days.' 'Beloved,' said the Glorious One,'unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek."

Notice how terrible Aslan's subject-verb agreement is? "If any man swear"... "though he know it not"... I suppose as God, you're allowed to mess with the language as you please. Though it could just be Harper Collins messing up... God knows. Haha.

My interpretation of the above is, briefly,
1. Keep your promises,
2. Search for truth, and
3. Be nice to people
and you'll be A-OK. I guess my only issue with it is that it seems almost relativistic and hippyesque... "Dude, your God's cool, as long as we can get high together... wooooow, pretty rainbowwwww." I think it's alright to be "cool" with other people's "God" as long as you sincerely try to understand them and see where they're coming from. But the "it's all good let's drink some beer" approach is a bit flippant. I think we should
1. Keep our promises,
2. Search for truth,
3. Be nice to people, and
4. Be aware that it's not ALL good .

Maybe C.S. Lewis feels that number 4 is covered in number 1, or something like that, but I wouldn't have minded if he had been more explicit. On the whole, the above passage didn't really fit in with the rampantly Christian hurrah that the rest of the book was. I was completely expecting Aslan to say something like, "Thou shouldst have looked harder for me, silly boy," but all he did was go, "Meh, Tash, me, whatever, as long as you're cool, dude."

It's a nice thought though...

Only in America

Only in America...

- can you be pro-life and pro-war at the same time

- can an unemployed college graduate own two cars in good running condition (No link here, this was me a month ago)

- is eating considered a sport worthy of LIVE airtime on ESPN

- can you cheat on your wife, lie about it, get caught lying about it, then get away with it and even keep your wife because her political career is dependent on her affiliation to you

- can you sit in a fast food restaurant at a table near four burly, tattooed construction workers, watch them pick their teeth and listen to them discuss their children's potty training progress (No link again, this was me last week)

- does 100% fruit juice mean 15% fruit juice and 85% other crap (Take a trip to your nearest Wal-Mart and read the labels on the cartons)

- can donkeys with empty heads have their own radio shows AND a strong following

- will people tolerate mistakes like this

(To be fair, some of these, like the fruit juice thing for example, may be found in other countries too, but since I haven't really looked, I'm going to assume not.)

Me > Queen, Britney and Indian Songs

I'm sure you've heard "I Want To Break Free" by Queen (lyrics). If you haven't, go listen to it now. And then come back to finish reading this entry. A long time ago, when I was a wee lad still in school (or what you foreigners call HIGH school), so 8, 9 years ago, a friend of mine and I came up with a Weird Al caliber parody of this song. And, for lack of anything better to write this Sunday afternoon, I present to you the first verse of the song closet environmentalist (and flaming homosexual) Freddy Mercury really meant to write:

I Want To Plant Tree
I want to plant tree
I want to plant tree
I want to plant tree in the ground
It'll be so safe and sound for meee-o
I’ve got to plant tree
Gardeners, Gardeners, I want to plant tree...

I'm sure it goes on. I just don't know how.

And, since this isn't really long enough to be a respectable blog entry yet, here's another of my patented (well, not really, but if you're going to use this for personal gain you better pay me something... in cash, a visit doesn't count) parodies. This was written by me (that's why it's MINE, you see) when I was supposed to be studying for my Mechanics I final (which may explain why I got a low B in the course). The original song is, wait for it, "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears (lyrics):

Problem One More Time
Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to guess
My method wasn't right
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have found the stress
The question asked for height
Show me moments of inertia
Tell me baby
Coz I need to solve for resultant force

Mechanics I is killing me
And I
I must confess
I hate machines
When I see plane trusses I lose my mind
Sine or cosiiiine?
Work that problem one more time.

*Note: With clever manipulation of the syntax and some ingenious modifications to obscure binary algorithms, I was able to change the I in Mechanics I to a II and thus use the same song for my Mechanics II course as well.

Alright, fine, just one more. And this is only a two liner. And it's in Urdu/Hindi as well. But don't worry. I'll translate for you illiterate types.

The song is called "Sandese" meaning "Messages" and is from the Indian movie Border apparently, released in 1997 according to my sources (some website or the other). The first two lines were despicably distorted (again several years ago) in honor of one of my school friends who we liked to pretend was obese (even though he was probably just somewhat stocky, you know, well built, a healthy man if you will). The name of the song was altered to "Samose." A samosa is a small fried turnover of South Asian origin filled with seasoned vegetables or meat. And the original lines of the song:

Sandese aate hain
Humein tarpaate hain

which translate roughly (and most elegantly) to:

Messages come.
They make us restless/anxious.

were improved to read as follows:

Samose aate hain
Hum inhe khaate hain

which translate exactly (and most elegantly) to:

Small fried turnovers of South Asian origin filled with seasoned vegetables or meat come.
We eat them.

Hey, in the Third World, to amuse yourself, you do what you have to do.

Quotes: Iraq, Insurgents and Other Messes

Recent quotes I came across in the news. The first four (read in a group) are classic. Unfortunately, they're the only ones that I have been able to verify independently (and perhaps the fifth, but read for yourself):

"The insurgency in Iraq is in its last throes."
~ Dick Cheney (June 22, 2005 - not sure of the exact date, to be honest)

"I believe there are more foreign fighters coming into Iraq than there were six months ago... in terms of the overall strength of the insurgency, I'd say it was the same as it was (six months ago)... I don't know that I would make any comment about that (Cheney's comment above), other than to say that there's a lot of work to be done on the insurgency. I'm sure you'll forgive me for criticizing the vice president."
~ General John Abizaid, Head of US Central Command (June 23, 2005)

"If you look up 'last throes,' it can mean a violent last throe."
~ Donald Rumsfeld (June 25, 2005, ABC Interview)

"We're not going to win against the insurgency. The Iraqi people are going to win against the insurgency. That insurgency could go on for any number of years. Insurgencies tend to go on five, six, eight, 10, 12 years."
~ Donald Rumsfeld (June 25, 2005, SAME ABC Interview as the quote above it. Awfully long violent last throe, isn't it Donny? I think you call that CIVIL WAR)

" I know where Bin Laden is, but I'm not going to tell you. And no, I'm not going to catch him either."
~ Porter Goss, Director of the CIA (June 21, 2005, Sadly, this one is almost true. CNN.com put it this way: "CIA Director Porter Goss says he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but that the al Qaeda chief will not be caught until weak links in the war on terrorism are strengthened."
I like my way better.)

"Insurgency be damned. We don't know where Bin Laden is. Now leave us alone, but keep giving us money."
~ Pakistan

"Nobody wants to play with me. Or give me money. Or hunt for Bin Laden on my soil. :("
~ India

"HEY! Pay attention to me! I'm actually uprooting settlements! I'm going to displace 150 people in a pathetic attempt to atone for over 50 years of ruthless persecution! Pat on the back please!"
~ Israel

"*sigh* Death to Israel... or something."
~ Palestine

"Why, Henman, Why!!?? Oh, and the invasion was a bunch of jolly old rot, but we'll re-elect Blair anyway"
~ United Kingdom

"Woohoo! Death to America!"
~ Iran

"Holy crap! What have we done??"
~ Rest of Iran

"Y'allz still want the nukes, right?"
~ Russia, to Iran

Traffic Lights: Here and There

So on the way back to campus today, all the major traffic lights and streetlights on Stewart Street were out. Now that I've laid the foundation of my story, here we go:

Traffic Lights Go Out in America:
Drivers slow down. Pedestrians, commuters and travellers look at one another anxiously. Is everything alright? Maybe it's terrorism? Drivers proceed throuogh intersections highly alert and incredibly aware of everything around them. Drive. Stop. Look right. Look left. Look right again. Look left again. Drive. Breathe sigh of relief. Emergency crews are on the scene in seconds. Temporary stops signs are erected at each corner of the crossing. Some semblance of normality returns. Drivers show utmost respect for the stop signs. Everyone takes care moving through the intersection. Users of the road show patience and courtesy. Highly civilized. Very safe, secure. Serene almost.

Traffic Lights go out in Pakistan:
No one pays attention to them when they're working anyway. No change noted.

Now that's not completely true. But still, good story. Or story-like posting.

UDF, Brits

So it's been a while.

Before I talk about anything else, you need to stretch out with your peelings. Just click on the link. Trust me, you'll be happy you did.

Did you know United Dairy Farmers (bear in mind, DAIRY) doesn't even stock plain yogurt? Clay, Sonia and I went to this Indian restaurant where the spiciness scale was so out of whack, we could barely taste our food because of the burning (ala Ralph Wiggum and "It tastes like burning!"). Anyway, I figured some Yogurt mixed with the chilis that were a poor substitute for rice would help temper somewhat the sensation of having my tongue ripped out every time a grain crossed my lips. So, off to UDF I went. I searched for the yogurt that would, could and should invariably be found at any self-respecting DAIRY store. I questioned a store attendant and she helpfully suggested strawberry flavored yogurt. And this is AFTER I explained to her the whole chili and rice and why I need plain yogurt story. Some people...

On a side, UDF is also directly responsible for having my car towed on the campus of the Ohio State University (and the $109.40 I had to pay to get it back). Needless to say, they will not be grateful recipients of my patronage for quite some time to come. Speedway Forever! UDF Never!

So the Brits had cold feet before the Iraq war, or so say 8 Secret and Confidential memos leaked to the press by some fellow in the British government. The memos are genuine apparently, but dear God, the Brits are such spineless morons. SIX months (not a year, not 2 years, SIX months) after September 11, 2001, Condoleezza Rice was in London discussing not Bin Laden, not the Taliban, but frickin IRAQ. Now think back to March, 2002. Was Iraq even at the back of your mind? No. Bin Laden was. As was the war in Afghanistan, which, for all intents and purposes, is still ongoing. 194 US servicemembers have died there, almost 50 more than the first Gulf War that created all that hoohah. But no one cares. Scores of young Americans and Iraqis alike are being led to their deaths on the whims of a powerful, short-sighted and perenially stupid few. It's enough to make your toes curl (and not in a good way either).

Anyway, so these memos are freely available online and at the AP website. Listen to some of these quotes:
"The truth is that what has changed is not the pace of Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, but our tolerance of them post-11 September."
"If 11 September had not happened, it is doubtful that the U.S. would now be considering military action against Iraq. In addition, there has been no credible evidence to link Iraq with OBL (Osama bin Laden) and al-Qaida."
"We have also to answer the big question — what will this action achieve? There seems to be a larger hole in this than on anything."
Everything that is now apparent, the Brits knew BEFORE the war. Yet they went ahead with it anyway. What a bunch of pansies. Idiotic pansies. Tea-drinking, idiotic pansies. Tea-drinking, Queen-loving, idiotic pansies. Yeah.

I have little or no patience now for anyone who continues to preach the complete and utter righteousness of the actions of their government. EVERY goverment has its faults. Open your eyes. And grow a brain.

That is all.

For now.

Bob Jones University

Message from me to the Graduate Admissions Office at Bob Jones University:
I am a 24 year old male Pakistani citizen and also a Muslim. I am very interested in attending Bob Jones University in the Fall of 2006 to continue my education. I was wondering what facilities you offer your international students and whether there are any events that would cater to the people from my region.
I also noticed, while going through your Residence Life web page, that you do not specify any restriction on rap music on your campus. Does this mean I would be able to bring my Eminem CDs with me when I join you? I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Message from the International Admissions Counselor at Bob Jones University to me:
Greetings from Bob Jones University.
For detailed information on our majors, please visit our website at http://www.bju.edu/ and click on "Academics."
Let me share a bit of information about BJU which may interest you:
Bob Jones University is Protestant, nondenominational, coeducational, and thoroughly orthodox university which stands without apology for the absolute authority of the Bible. We are in the business of training Christian leaders to go out to witness for the Lord Jesus Christ in whatever business or profession they may feel called of God to invest their lives. We are generally reluctant to enroll an international student unless he is a born-again Christian. Each applicant must write a testimony of how he or she became a born-again Christian.
We are sorry, but we do not have any financial aid to offer to you. The founder believed that each student is responsible to care for the cost of his education, regardless of his citizenship. We require an advance payment of one year's room, board, and tuition before you will be accepted to come.
Please click on the following link to see the special information we have included on our website for international students. This page will answer your questions about our application deadlines, TOEFL scores, and financial requirements: http://www.bju.edu/admissions/international.html
If you are interested in further information about Bob Jones University, please let me know.

Looks like I'm good to go with the Eminem CDs at any rate...