Yeah, so I'm still waiting on the church posting. Stupid life keeps happening, and I have to keep doing stuff to stop it. You know how it goes.
Anyway, today I'm introducing a whole new genre to my already widely varied bloggery: Pottyology. I'm almost certain I'm going to look back on this posting with regret and delete it at some point in the future so enjoy it while you can. It's just that I had one of those Eureka moments yesterday, and I feel the need to share it with my loyal readership which, including my mother is now at, I believe, one.
So yesterday I was answering the call of nature (For those of you unfamiliar with the call of nature, it sounds something like "Rumble rumble, nowhere to go but down and out"... gosh, I'm disgusting.) and I realized that I never left the restroom without converting my "touchdown" (or "try" for you rugby types) as it were.
OK, I'm going to try to explain this without making you throw up. Every time you score a "touchdown" or a "try" you get "more points" because it was for a "longer play" that required “considerable effort.” Then you try to tack on another couple by "converting," for which you get "less points" because it's a "shorter" play requiring "less effort." Now, if you haven't already done so, put on your thinking cap (or bowler hat… haha… Sorry) and convert this to bathroom terminology. Make sense? If not, you're too old to be reading this and you're going to be dead soon so it doesn't matter anyway.
Now my nature answering habits may differ from yours but, personally, there is nothing more unsatisfying than an unconverted touchdown. You're left sitting there wondering what happened to it... has there been a "delay of game"? Why are there no "penalty flags"? No way in hell they're overturning this one...
Once again, I apologize.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Campus Jihad for Christ
So this morning I went to the Apex Church in Kettering because Rachel told me about a Muslim who converted to Christianity who would be speaking and she figured I might be interested. What actually sparked this invitation was an ongoing conversation she and I have been having about the college campus Christian groups that call themselves "Campus Crusade for Christ." Now these groups are generally filled with really nice people (such as Rachel, and the aptly named, and very manly, Michael Trinity) and I have no problems whatsoever with their characters, activities and taste in cheese. But, to a Muslim (or someone who likes to think he is a Muslim i.e. me) the name “Campus Crusade for Christ” reverberates the way the name "Campus Jihad for Muhammad" would reverberate in a Christian brain. That is, somewhat uncomfortable-making-you-feelingly.
Anyway, I suggested to Rachel that her group might be better off if they changed their name to "Campus Jihad for Christ" for the following reasons:
1. A Crusade means, according to dictionary.com and Yahoo! Reference:
a. Any of the military expeditions undertaken by European Christians in the 11th, 12th, and 13th centuries to recover the Holy Land from the Muslims.
b. A holy war undertaken with papal sanction.
c. A vigorous concerted movement for a cause or against an abuse.
Notice that the two primary definitions involve war, hence giving the word a somewhat threatening aura... aura? Well, you know what I'm trying to say. Anyway, short version: Crusade = War
2. The meanings of the word Jihad (if you speak to a rational Muslims and not one of those crackpots who likes killing white folk) are as follows, in order of relevance and importance:
a. Struggle with one’s self to overcome temptation, improve one’s self and be a better servant of God.
b. Struggle to convince others of the truth of one's path and guide them that way if they are so inclined.
c. Defending one’s self against aggression on the part of an enemy.
(Seriously, this is the last time I am using “one’s self” in my writing.)
Anyway, yes, the tertiary definition is all about war (a defensive war, but war nevertheless). But the primary and secondary definitions are not. Jihad of the Mind and Jihad of the Pen are given more importance in Islam (at least the Islam I have been taught) than Jihad of the Sword is.
Now, what I think my friends in these Christian groups (Campus Crusade, Switchfoot, The Mel Gibson Fan Club etc) are trying to do is
a. improve themselves (Jihad)
b. share their faith with others (Jihad)
c. not declare war on the infidels (not Crusade)
So the Crusade word thing in their name thing just doesn't make sense thing. I encouraged Rachel to start a nationwide movement to have the name changed to Campus Jihad for Christ but I haven't seen colorful fliers or prime time television commercials yet so she still has a ways to go. Don't worry Rach, you'll get there.
OK, so the whole Crusade/Jihad thing was totally not supposed to be this long. I'm going to have to write about my exciting Church experience in another post.
Anyway, I suggested to Rachel that her group might be better off if they changed their name to "Campus Jihad for Christ" for the following reasons:
1. A Crusade means, according to dictionary.com and Yahoo! Reference:
a. Any of the military expeditions undertaken by European Christians in the 11th, 12th, and 13th centuries to recover the Holy Land from the Muslims.
b. A holy war undertaken with papal sanction.
c. A vigorous concerted movement for a cause or against an abuse.
Notice that the two primary definitions involve war, hence giving the word a somewhat threatening aura... aura? Well, you know what I'm trying to say. Anyway, short version: Crusade = War
2. The meanings of the word Jihad (if you speak to a rational Muslims and not one of those crackpots who likes killing white folk) are as follows, in order of relevance and importance:
a. Struggle with one’s self to overcome temptation, improve one’s self and be a better servant of God.
b. Struggle to convince others of the truth of one's path and guide them that way if they are so inclined.
c. Defending one’s self against aggression on the part of an enemy.
(Seriously, this is the last time I am using “one’s self” in my writing.)
Anyway, yes, the tertiary definition is all about war (a defensive war, but war nevertheless). But the primary and secondary definitions are not. Jihad of the Mind and Jihad of the Pen are given more importance in Islam (at least the Islam I have been taught) than Jihad of the Sword is.
Now, what I think my friends in these Christian groups (Campus Crusade, Switchfoot, The Mel Gibson Fan Club etc) are trying to do is
a. improve themselves (Jihad)
b. share their faith with others (Jihad)
c. not declare war on the infidels (not Crusade)
So the Crusade word thing in their name thing just doesn't make sense thing. I encouraged Rachel to start a nationwide movement to have the name changed to Campus Jihad for Christ but I haven't seen colorful fliers or prime time television commercials yet so she still has a ways to go. Don't worry Rach, you'll get there.
OK, so the whole Crusade/Jihad thing was totally not supposed to be this long. I'm going to have to write about my exciting Church experience in another post.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Al Franken is Boring
You know what? Al Franken is boring. That's why people turn their radio dials over to Rush between noon and 3 every weekday. Yes, Rush is 86.4% more lies than Franken is. But at least he's entertaining. For the record, Franken has a FLING (Fabricatin' Like Its Nineteen... Gosh-we're-already-in-the-21st-century) Index of 0.5 - which means I'm willing to believe half of what he says... at least half of what I manage to keep myself awake for. Seriously, listen to his show. He has that deep droning voice, thinks too much before he says anything (which is a bad thing on the radio) and basically plods through segments like a wildebeest with a hangover.
Anyway, based on my half-arsed mathematics and the FLING Matrix, we find that Rush Limbaugh has a FLING Ratio of 0.932, which effectively means that the only time he isn't lying is when he says "ummmm," "hemmmm," haawww," "folks" or "we'll be right back after this."
My posts are becoming more and more one dimensional. Stupid politics. I hereby solemnly swear that my next post will be on a subject completely different. Something like socks. Or polar bears with dysentry.
Anyway, based on my half-arsed mathematics and the FLING Matrix, we find that Rush Limbaugh has a FLING Ratio of 0.932, which effectively means that the only time he isn't lying is when he says "ummmm," "hemmmm," haawww," "folks" or "we'll be right back after this."
My posts are becoming more and more one dimensional. Stupid politics. I hereby solemnly swear that my next post will be on a subject completely different. Something like socks. Or polar bears with dysentry.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Right v Left v... Where's the Third Party Dammit?
Yes, long absence.
So the extreme right in America makes me laugh for the following reasons:
1. They won't give Harriet Miers due process but they demands it for Sam Alito. Oh, and George W. Bush has the right to nominate whoever he wants for the Supreme Court... as long as they agree with the pick. Otherwise God help him. But not really. Because God only loves true conservatives.
2. It's not OK to kill unborn children on purpose, but it's perfectly fine if their loss is collateral damage in war.
3. It's OK to talk of "Crusades" and "Jesus" but God Forbid you mention "Jihad" and "Allah" in the same context.
4. It's more important to point out why the left is wrong rather than why they are right (right as in correct, not right as in conservative).
5. They think they're mainstream America. Gosh, I'd be dead/deported/Gitmo'ed/something-else-that's-really terrible if they were.
Irrational, temperamental, self-centered... it's like watching a bunch of three year olds fighting over cake.
So the extreme left makes me laugh... well, cry for the following reasons:
1. They're pathetic.
2. They have no plan.
3. They have no direction.
4. They have no stance.
5. They have nothing.
And the centrists make me scratch my head and wonder why it's necessary for them to align with one set of kooks or the other. What a waste of intelligence.
McCain-Powell 2008. You heard it first here. In my dreams.
Notice I rarely back up my opinons with solid facts. This is because:
1. I don't really have the time to fact-check and cite and source and all that jazz.
2. This is MY HOUSE. I say what I want!
So the extreme right in America makes me laugh for the following reasons:
1. They won't give Harriet Miers due process but they demands it for Sam Alito. Oh, and George W. Bush has the right to nominate whoever he wants for the Supreme Court... as long as they agree with the pick. Otherwise God help him. But not really. Because God only loves true conservatives.
2. It's not OK to kill unborn children on purpose, but it's perfectly fine if their loss is collateral damage in war.
3. It's OK to talk of "Crusades" and "Jesus" but God Forbid you mention "Jihad" and "Allah" in the same context.
4. It's more important to point out why the left is wrong rather than why they are right (right as in correct, not right as in conservative).
5. They think they're mainstream America. Gosh, I'd be dead/deported/Gitmo'ed/something-else-that's-really terrible if they were.
Irrational, temperamental, self-centered... it's like watching a bunch of three year olds fighting over cake.
So the extreme left makes me laugh... well, cry for the following reasons:
1. They're pathetic.
2. They have no plan.
3. They have no direction.
4. They have no stance.
5. They have nothing.
And the centrists make me scratch my head and wonder why it's necessary for them to align with one set of kooks or the other. What a waste of intelligence.
McCain-Powell 2008. You heard it first here. In my dreams.
Notice I rarely back up my opinons with solid facts. This is because:
1. I don't really have the time to fact-check and cite and source and all that jazz.
2. This is MY HOUSE. I say what I want!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Political Compass
Now, I know this isn't supposed to be a link-posting, website pushing type of blog, but this is rather interesting. If you are the least bit politically inclined, go to Political Compass and take their test to determine how far left, right, up or down you are.
I ended up with coordinates of (-4.63, -0.56) on their graph, meaning (according to my hopeful interpretation) that I'm a Left-Leaning Moderate with Libertarian tendencies. I didn't expect to land SO far left. I guess I'm more of a commie than I thought. You go Stalin!
I ended up with coordinates of (-4.63, -0.56) on their graph, meaning (according to my hopeful interpretation) that I'm a Left-Leaning Moderate with Libertarian tendencies. I didn't expect to land SO far left. I guess I'm more of a commie than I thought. You go Stalin!
How to Win Iraq and Afghanistan (or at least Stop Losing)
So the whole Iraq War thing is hotting up again (did it ever really cool down?) and we have the Sheehans and the anti-Sheehans and the pundits and the morons wanting the whole world to hear what they think about Iraq and the troops and dead soldiers and live soldiers and elections and Iran and terrorism.
And now (in the tradition of loudmouth moron-dom) it's my turn.
1. Cindy Sheehan lost her son. You cannot belittle his sacrifice or hers. She must be given the utmost respect and honor, no matter what her views. Calling her behavior "disgraceful" and denouncing her as a "tool of the left" is just cheap and despicable (which I guess explains why Rush keeps doing just that).
2. Cindy Sheehan has a skewed perspective of the future of Iraq. Bringing the troops home will not solve anything. I hate to agree with W, but they need to stay in Iraq. If they don't this will happen:
530 pm: 138,000 fatigue wearing, gun-toting Americans leave Iraq.
531 pm: Abu Musab Al Zarqawi and his buddies stroll into Baghdad, kill a few (thousand) people and establish the Hardcore Fundamentalist Islamic Republic of Iraq - Osamas join free.
532 pm: The world says "Oh Crap."
3. America is not going to win Afghanistan or Iraq unless things change drastically. You don't want to reduce troop numbers. You want to INCREASE them. These piecemeal battles will help only the extremists. Quite frankly, things look really bad. I'm not going to harp on past mistakes, lies, false pretexts, misjudgements and stupidity. Forget what's happened. Look at where we are right now, and what needs to be done. Here are the steps I feel are needed to rescue what appears to be more and more of a lost cause:
1. The US needs to forget about North Korea, Venezuela, Iran, Syria and all the other fun places it may want to invade (for now, anyway) and focus on just the two it's already caught up in.
FOCUS: IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.
2. The US should increase, as much as possible, troop numbers in both Afghanistan and Iraq. Keeping the bare minimum required to give the impression of some semblance of order and security will not do. The extremists will not be deterred by such a wishy washy effort. They will be encouraged by the apparent indecision and lack of commitment on the part of the coalition. In addition, the general public will be more and more alienated from the cause as days go by; a status quo of instability and uncertainty is not progress - and every time a civilian dies in this long drawn out effort, more hearts and minds are lost. The longer these wars take, the harder they will be to win.
INCREASE TROOP NUMBERS SIGNIFICANTLY AND GO AFTER THE TERRORISTS.
3. There are some possible objections to what I just wrote:
a. This would mean putting more troops in harms way.Yes, it would. But you're not a soldier to sit around and claim benefits. You're a soldier to fight (By the way, this is one reason I laugh when soldiers and their families whine about their being sent to Iraq because they just signed up for the army or the National Guard or the Marines "to pay for college." You join the army to fight for your country. You take out a loan to pay for college. Idiots.). Sending more troops now means sending less later. Bringing the troops home would be a very selfish thing to do, especially considering the fragile situation that part of the world is in right now.
THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR THAT LASTS FOREVER.
b. Iraq and Afghanistan themselves and other coalition partners should play a larger supporting role.
YOU WANTED THIS MESS. YOU CLEAN IT UP. (*sigh* So ugly is the truth. TO W's credit, he's not shirking the responsibility one bit.)
c. Increasing troop numbers would imply a larger, longer occupation.Yes, this is a problem. I do have an idea however, and I'm sure no one will like it, but it may be a way to get stuff done. Keep the US military there, but have them under the command of Iraqis or Afghans of high rank. Yes, this is a strange, undesirable idea but if followed through with, it may convince the people of each occupied nation that the US and its allies
1. Do not consider themselves superior to the natives
2. Do not want a monopoly on power
3. Are there to help and are willing to do what the nations wants
4. Are clearly not an occupying force if they answer to native military officials
And then they may stop the hating. These are extraordinary times. And extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. It is important however, that this not be just a typical PR junket. The commanders need to have real decision making power. The Iraqis and Afghans are not stupid. They know how to run an army. They just lack the strength and firepower they need. And the US, as a true friend, can provide that.
WORK FOR THEM, NOT AROUND THEM.
4. Stop whining about faulty intelligence and WMDs. What's done is done. Much as I would love to see some people get what they deserve, I'm sure God has a better payment-for-your-sins plan than I or any of the whiners out there, can conceive. Look at what's here, NOW. And fix it. This is to you, Dems. (Well, expecting you to fix it is probably asking too much. At least don't get in the way of those who can.)
5. Admit your mistakes. No one is perfect. I've lost what little respect I had for the current administration because they're hell-bent on telling everyone that they're perfect and haven't set a foot wrong. Psst. Mr. and Mrs. American Politicians. Let me tell you a secret. WE KNOW YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN DAMMIT.
So there you go. Not the most eloquent of posts. I dare say my ideas could do with a fair amount of fine tuning and making-sound-bettering but that's the core. I know it's asking a lot, but you're America. Talk the talk. Walk the walk... You know what the problem is? The rest of the world holds America to the high standards it holds for itself. You guys just don't leave yourselves any room for error... and then when shit happens... yeah. That's another post altogether.
This ends here.
And now (in the tradition of loudmouth moron-dom) it's my turn.
1. Cindy Sheehan lost her son. You cannot belittle his sacrifice or hers. She must be given the utmost respect and honor, no matter what her views. Calling her behavior "disgraceful" and denouncing her as a "tool of the left" is just cheap and despicable (which I guess explains why Rush keeps doing just that).
2. Cindy Sheehan has a skewed perspective of the future of Iraq. Bringing the troops home will not solve anything. I hate to agree with W, but they need to stay in Iraq. If they don't this will happen:
530 pm: 138,000 fatigue wearing, gun-toting Americans leave Iraq.
531 pm: Abu Musab Al Zarqawi and his buddies stroll into Baghdad, kill a few (thousand) people and establish the Hardcore Fundamentalist Islamic Republic of Iraq - Osamas join free.
532 pm: The world says "Oh Crap."
3. America is not going to win Afghanistan or Iraq unless things change drastically. You don't want to reduce troop numbers. You want to INCREASE them. These piecemeal battles will help only the extremists. Quite frankly, things look really bad. I'm not going to harp on past mistakes, lies, false pretexts, misjudgements and stupidity. Forget what's happened. Look at where we are right now, and what needs to be done. Here are the steps I feel are needed to rescue what appears to be more and more of a lost cause:
1. The US needs to forget about North Korea, Venezuela, Iran, Syria and all the other fun places it may want to invade (for now, anyway) and focus on just the two it's already caught up in.
FOCUS: IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.
2. The US should increase, as much as possible, troop numbers in both Afghanistan and Iraq. Keeping the bare minimum required to give the impression of some semblance of order and security will not do. The extremists will not be deterred by such a wishy washy effort. They will be encouraged by the apparent indecision and lack of commitment on the part of the coalition. In addition, the general public will be more and more alienated from the cause as days go by; a status quo of instability and uncertainty is not progress - and every time a civilian dies in this long drawn out effort, more hearts and minds are lost. The longer these wars take, the harder they will be to win.
INCREASE TROOP NUMBERS SIGNIFICANTLY AND GO AFTER THE TERRORISTS.
3. There are some possible objections to what I just wrote:
a. This would mean putting more troops in harms way.Yes, it would. But you're not a soldier to sit around and claim benefits. You're a soldier to fight (By the way, this is one reason I laugh when soldiers and their families whine about their being sent to Iraq because they just signed up for the army or the National Guard or the Marines "to pay for college." You join the army to fight for your country. You take out a loan to pay for college. Idiots.). Sending more troops now means sending less later. Bringing the troops home would be a very selfish thing to do, especially considering the fragile situation that part of the world is in right now.
THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR THAT LASTS FOREVER.
b. Iraq and Afghanistan themselves and other coalition partners should play a larger supporting role.
YOU WANTED THIS MESS. YOU CLEAN IT UP. (*sigh* So ugly is the truth. TO W's credit, he's not shirking the responsibility one bit.)
c. Increasing troop numbers would imply a larger, longer occupation.Yes, this is a problem. I do have an idea however, and I'm sure no one will like it, but it may be a way to get stuff done. Keep the US military there, but have them under the command of Iraqis or Afghans of high rank. Yes, this is a strange, undesirable idea but if followed through with, it may convince the people of each occupied nation that the US and its allies
1. Do not consider themselves superior to the natives
2. Do not want a monopoly on power
3. Are there to help and are willing to do what the nations wants
4. Are clearly not an occupying force if they answer to native military officials
And then they may stop the hating. These are extraordinary times. And extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. It is important however, that this not be just a typical PR junket. The commanders need to have real decision making power. The Iraqis and Afghans are not stupid. They know how to run an army. They just lack the strength and firepower they need. And the US, as a true friend, can provide that.
WORK FOR THEM, NOT AROUND THEM.
4. Stop whining about faulty intelligence and WMDs. What's done is done. Much as I would love to see some people get what they deserve, I'm sure God has a better payment-for-your-sins plan than I or any of the whiners out there, can conceive. Look at what's here, NOW. And fix it. This is to you, Dems. (Well, expecting you to fix it is probably asking too much. At least don't get in the way of those who can.)
5. Admit your mistakes. No one is perfect. I've lost what little respect I had for the current administration because they're hell-bent on telling everyone that they're perfect and haven't set a foot wrong. Psst. Mr. and Mrs. American Politicians. Let me tell you a secret. WE KNOW YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN DAMMIT.
So there you go. Not the most eloquent of posts. I dare say my ideas could do with a fair amount of fine tuning and making-sound-bettering but that's the core. I know it's asking a lot, but you're America. Talk the talk. Walk the walk... You know what the problem is? The rest of the world holds America to the high standards it holds for itself. You guys just don't leave yourselves any room for error... and then when shit happens... yeah. That's another post altogether.
This ends here.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
What kind of US Embassy...
So my brother might actually be here in a week or so... scary. Scarier for me than for you, trust me. Yeah... I'm not saying any more.
So, it's no secret that the U.S. is hurting for high quality international students at their institutions of higher education. We know this because I know this. I know this because I don't personally know anyone who came to the United States to study AFTER 9/11, but I know tons of people who came BEFORE. Yes, much as I hate to harp on it, this has to do with 9/11. The number of international students in US universities has gone down significantlyas the smart (and not-so-smart-but-filthy-rich) Muslims (and those-who-like-to-think-they're-Muslims-but-there-are-some-who-would-beg-to-differ) now go to Australia, England and Canada.
Except me. And my brother. We are truly loyal Americans. *takes bite out of Big Mac while watching American Idol and downloading photographs of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen*
So, no smart or filthy rich brown people in American universities.
Ergo, most American universities = not happy (or secretly happy but just don't want to admit it).
Ergo, US Ambassador (or someone from the embassy, anyway) to Pakistan writes a long article in Pakistani newspaper (about 6 months ago now) encouraging Pakistanis to consider furthering their education in the U.S. and promising fair and efficient visa processing.
Ergo, my brother applies and gets into good ol' UD (Honestly, he had already applied at the time of the article).
Ergo, he applies for a US visa and goes to Islamabad for an interview.
So, visa granted (woohoo) but hang on a turban-wearing minute. The passport must go to "Washington" for some sort of "security check." Oh well, it's the middle of June. Plenty of time, right?
WRONG. Beginning of August = No passport back. Two weeks to departure (if at all). Much anxiety. Someone forgot to pay some silly fees (not our fault, by the way). Fees paid. Passport on way back. Relief, right?
WRONG. Some genius at the US Embassy in Islamabad FORGOT TO FINGERPRINT THE BROTHER WHEN HE WENT FOR HIS INTERVIEW. Seriously now, answer me this:
What kind of US Embassy forgets to fingerprint a 19 year old Pakistani male??
Gosh, if I were my brother, I'd be almost offended. Poor fellow looked so harmless, they didn't even think of fingerprinting him. Haha. So they called him back (and by back I mean a 2 hour flight each way) and did the deed. Passport back. Brother fingerprinted. Flight confirmed. All set to go, right?
WRONG. Pretty much anywhere we green passport holders land, we need a visa of some sort. And, since the brother will be spending a couple of hours at Frankfurt Airport, he needs a transit visa. So, on to the Germans. Let's hope their efficiency overcomes their xenophobia.
And you black folks think you have it rough... *sigh*
So, it's no secret that the U.S. is hurting for high quality international students at their institutions of higher education. We know this because I know this. I know this because I don't personally know anyone who came to the United States to study AFTER 9/11, but I know tons of people who came BEFORE. Yes, much as I hate to harp on it, this has to do with 9/11. The number of international students in US universities has gone down significantlyas the smart (and not-so-smart-but-filthy-rich) Muslims (and those-who-like-to-think-they're-Muslims-but-there-are-some-who-would-beg-to-differ) now go to Australia, England and Canada.
Except me. And my brother. We are truly loyal Americans. *takes bite out of Big Mac while watching American Idol and downloading photographs of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen*
So, no smart or filthy rich brown people in American universities.
Ergo, most American universities = not happy (or secretly happy but just don't want to admit it).
Ergo, US Ambassador (or someone from the embassy, anyway) to Pakistan writes a long article in Pakistani newspaper (about 6 months ago now) encouraging Pakistanis to consider furthering their education in the U.S. and promising fair and efficient visa processing.
Ergo, my brother applies and gets into good ol' UD (Honestly, he had already applied at the time of the article).
Ergo, he applies for a US visa and goes to Islamabad for an interview.
So, visa granted (woohoo) but hang on a turban-wearing minute. The passport must go to "Washington" for some sort of "security check." Oh well, it's the middle of June. Plenty of time, right?
WRONG. Beginning of August = No passport back. Two weeks to departure (if at all). Much anxiety. Someone forgot to pay some silly fees (not our fault, by the way). Fees paid. Passport on way back. Relief, right?
WRONG. Some genius at the US Embassy in Islamabad FORGOT TO FINGERPRINT THE BROTHER WHEN HE WENT FOR HIS INTERVIEW. Seriously now, answer me this:
What kind of US Embassy forgets to fingerprint a 19 year old Pakistani male??
Gosh, if I were my brother, I'd be almost offended. Poor fellow looked so harmless, they didn't even think of fingerprinting him. Haha. So they called him back (and by back I mean a 2 hour flight each way) and did the deed. Passport back. Brother fingerprinted. Flight confirmed. All set to go, right?
WRONG. Pretty much anywhere we green passport holders land, we need a visa of some sort. And, since the brother will be spending a couple of hours at Frankfurt Airport, he needs a transit visa. So, on to the Germans. Let's hope their efficiency overcomes their xenophobia.
And you black folks think you have it rough... *sigh*
Monday, August 01, 2005
A Sad Day for Common Sense + Bye Bye King
John R Bolton has been appointed the United States' Permanent Representative to the United Nations. This is the kind of crap you expect from corrupt, power hungry Third World governments. Appoint an anti-UN idiot as the ambassador to the UN. Please. Surely America has more talent than this? On the other hand, look at the President. And the guy who failed to beat him.
Honestly though, to the Democrats, if you can't even beat George W. in an election, you deserve everything bad that happens to you. Whine away. We don't care. Just keep Bolton's moustache away from me... Aaaaagh! Get Away! Shoo!
So King Fahd died. Boo. Hoo. If there ever was a monarch that defined hypocrisy, he was it. In bed with the West and money and capitalism and all that jazz yet incredibly harsh and oppressive to his own people; supporting conservative, anti-West Islam to appease the Saudi fanatics while whispering sweet nothings and pouring oil into the white man's ears. Good riddance.
*sigh* So much hate...
Honestly though, to the Democrats, if you can't even beat George W. in an election, you deserve everything bad that happens to you. Whine away. We don't care. Just keep Bolton's moustache away from me... Aaaaagh! Get Away! Shoo!
So King Fahd died. Boo. Hoo. If there ever was a monarch that defined hypocrisy, he was it. In bed with the West and money and capitalism and all that jazz yet incredibly harsh and oppressive to his own people; supporting conservative, anti-West Islam to appease the Saudi fanatics while whispering sweet nothings and pouring oil into the white man's ears. Good riddance.
*sigh* So much hate...
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Murder Most Needless
Name: Jean Charles de Menezes
Age: 27
Cause of Death: 5 bullets to head and torso
Killers: Plainclothed Officers of the London Metropolitan Police
Crime: He was a man of South Asian appearance who, while wearing a heavy padded jacket, left a house in the shady London neighborhood of Brixton, leaped the turnstiles at the London Underground's Stockwell Station and ran onto a train less than a day after 4 terrorists botched an attempt to copy the criminal attacks of two weeks earlier.
That was his crime, word for word. You'll find it reported that way in every news source, wherever you look. Honestly, even I thought he was guilty of trying to blow something up. And one of the witnesses said he saw wires hanging out of de Menezes' jacket.
Only one thing bothered me. Another witness said the man looked "petrified" as he was hauled down and shot dead. "Petrified" is not an expression you associate with a terrorist. "He must have been terribly disappointed to have failed in his mission to kill innocents," we all thought, and moved on with our lives.
Now, the key points of this story, told the way they should be:
He was South Asian
No, he was Brazilian. Jackasses. And so what if he looked South Asian?
He was wearing a heavy padded jacket
This was London, England. He was Brazilian. He felt cold. I was in London in the summer of 2000. I had a jacket on most of the time. I still felt cold. Jackasses.
He left a house in Brixton
He was only an electrician. Forgive him for being forced to conduct business or even live in an area that deosn't measure up to your high standards. Jackasses.
He ran from the police
If you happen to be in a shady neighborhood, and are followed from that neighborhood by several casually dressed (remember, PLAINCLOTHED OFFICERS) people who suddenly yell at you to stop, what would you do? Turn around and chat with them? Jackasses.
He had wires hanging from his jacket
I only found one report of this... this means either that the so-called witness was a sensationalist who was looking for fame or that the man who had been murdered was an electrician. Jackasses.
Of course, this quiet, hard working young man will soon be forgotten. But his murder should not. It is one thing to be killed in cold blood by those who want to hurt you and do you harm. It is entirely another to be killed in cold blood by those who have sworn to protect you.
Remember Jean Charles de Menezes. He could have been you. You could have been him.
Age: 27
Cause of Death: 5 bullets to head and torso
Killers: Plainclothed Officers of the London Metropolitan Police
Crime: He was a man of South Asian appearance who, while wearing a heavy padded jacket, left a house in the shady London neighborhood of Brixton, leaped the turnstiles at the London Underground's Stockwell Station and ran onto a train less than a day after 4 terrorists botched an attempt to copy the criminal attacks of two weeks earlier.
That was his crime, word for word. You'll find it reported that way in every news source, wherever you look. Honestly, even I thought he was guilty of trying to blow something up. And one of the witnesses said he saw wires hanging out of de Menezes' jacket.
Only one thing bothered me. Another witness said the man looked "petrified" as he was hauled down and shot dead. "Petrified" is not an expression you associate with a terrorist. "He must have been terribly disappointed to have failed in his mission to kill innocents," we all thought, and moved on with our lives.
Now, the key points of this story, told the way they should be:
He was South Asian
No, he was Brazilian. Jackasses. And so what if he looked South Asian?
He was wearing a heavy padded jacket
This was London, England. He was Brazilian. He felt cold. I was in London in the summer of 2000. I had a jacket on most of the time. I still felt cold. Jackasses.
He left a house in Brixton
He was only an electrician. Forgive him for being forced to conduct business or even live in an area that deosn't measure up to your high standards. Jackasses.
He ran from the police
If you happen to be in a shady neighborhood, and are followed from that neighborhood by several casually dressed (remember, PLAINCLOTHED OFFICERS) people who suddenly yell at you to stop, what would you do? Turn around and chat with them? Jackasses.
He had wires hanging from his jacket
I only found one report of this... this means either that the so-called witness was a sensationalist who was looking for fame or that the man who had been murdered was an electrician. Jackasses.
Of course, this quiet, hard working young man will soon be forgotten. But his murder should not. It is one thing to be killed in cold blood by those who want to hurt you and do you harm. It is entirely another to be killed in cold blood by those who have sworn to protect you.
Remember Jean Charles de Menezes. He could have been you. You could have been him.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Narnia, Aslan, Tash, Foreigner
Warning: Spoilers Ahead
So I just finished reading The Chronicles of Narnia. I think it's safe to say I can add Clive Staples Lewis to the list of people who have actively tried to make me Christian. What is that now, three?
Anyway, after page after page of preaching and proselytizing, Aslan (ie God) meets Emeth (a Calormene warrior - one of the "bad guys" ) who had been worshipping Tash (the Devil, or some such representation) but was sincere in his worship and honestly wanted to do good. So they have the typical benevolent-god-meets-errant-but-all-in-all-good-creation conversation. "Fear not my son" etc etc. And then Clive Staples Lewis writes probably the most liberal passage in the entire 767 page tome, and I, shockingly (shockingly because I tend to disagree with things both liberal and conservative - and this is a liberal passage by a conservative writer), agree with it almost completely (see near the end of this posting for the point that prevented me from agreeing with it completely completely).
Anyway, for those of you who care enough to still be reading this post, here is the passage (from near the end of book #7, The Last Battle), as narrated by Emeth: "Then by reason of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, 'Lord, is it then true, as the ape (*Blogger's Note: The ape is a jackass) said, that thou and Tash are one?' The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, 'It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites - I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore, if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dosts thou understand, Child?' I said, ' Lord, Thou knowest how much I understand.' (But I also said, for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days.' 'Beloved,' said the Glorious One,'unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek."
Notice how terrible Aslan's subject-verb agreement is? "If any man swear"... "though he know it not"... I suppose as God, you're allowed to mess with the language as you please. Though it could just be Harper Collins messing up... God knows. Haha.
My interpretation of the above is, briefly,
1. Keep your promises,
2. Search for truth, and
3. Be nice to people
and you'll be A-OK. I guess my only issue with it is that it seems almost relativistic and hippyesque... "Dude, your God's cool, as long as we can get high together... wooooow, pretty rainbowwwww." I think it's alright to be "cool" with other people's "God" as long as you sincerely try to understand them and see where they're coming from. But the "it's all good let's drink some beer" approach is a bit flippant. I think we should
1. Keep our promises,
2. Search for truth,
3. Be nice to people, and
4. Be aware that it's not ALL good .
Maybe C.S. Lewis feels that number 4 is covered in number 1, or something like that, but I wouldn't have minded if he had been more explicit. On the whole, the above passage didn't really fit in with the rampantly Christian hurrah that the rest of the book was. I was completely expecting Aslan to say something like, "Thou shouldst have looked harder for me, silly boy," but all he did was go, "Meh, Tash, me, whatever, as long as you're cool, dude."
It's a nice thought though...
So I just finished reading The Chronicles of Narnia. I think it's safe to say I can add Clive Staples Lewis to the list of people who have actively tried to make me Christian. What is that now, three?
Anyway, after page after page of preaching and proselytizing, Aslan (ie God) meets Emeth (a Calormene warrior - one of the "bad guys" ) who had been worshipping Tash (the Devil, or some such representation) but was sincere in his worship and honestly wanted to do good. So they have the typical benevolent-god-meets-errant-but-all-in-all-good-creation conversation. "Fear not my son" etc etc. And then Clive Staples Lewis writes probably the most liberal passage in the entire 767 page tome, and I, shockingly (shockingly because I tend to disagree with things both liberal and conservative - and this is a liberal passage by a conservative writer), agree with it almost completely (see near the end of this posting for the point that prevented me from agreeing with it completely completely).
Anyway, for those of you who care enough to still be reading this post, here is the passage (from near the end of book #7, The Last Battle), as narrated by Emeth: "Then by reason of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, 'Lord, is it then true, as the ape (*Blogger's Note: The ape is a jackass) said, that thou and Tash are one?' The Lion growled so that the earth shook (but his wrath was not against me) and said, 'It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites - I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him. Therefore, if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dosts thou understand, Child?' I said, ' Lord, Thou knowest how much I understand.' (But I also said, for the truth constrained me), Yet I have been seeking Tash all my days.' 'Beloved,' said the Glorious One,'unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek."
Notice how terrible Aslan's subject-verb agreement is? "If any man swear"... "though he know it not"... I suppose as God, you're allowed to mess with the language as you please. Though it could just be Harper Collins messing up... God knows. Haha.
My interpretation of the above is, briefly,
1. Keep your promises,
2. Search for truth, and
3. Be nice to people
and you'll be A-OK. I guess my only issue with it is that it seems almost relativistic and hippyesque... "Dude, your God's cool, as long as we can get high together... wooooow, pretty rainbowwwww." I think it's alright to be "cool" with other people's "God" as long as you sincerely try to understand them and see where they're coming from. But the "it's all good let's drink some beer" approach is a bit flippant. I think we should
1. Keep our promises,
2. Search for truth,
3. Be nice to people, and
4. Be aware that it's not ALL good .
Maybe C.S. Lewis feels that number 4 is covered in number 1, or something like that, but I wouldn't have minded if he had been more explicit. On the whole, the above passage didn't really fit in with the rampantly Christian hurrah that the rest of the book was. I was completely expecting Aslan to say something like, "Thou shouldst have looked harder for me, silly boy," but all he did was go, "Meh, Tash, me, whatever, as long as you're cool, dude."
It's a nice thought though...
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Only in America
Only in America...
- can you be pro-life and pro-war at the same time
- can an unemployed college graduate own two cars in good running condition (No link here, this was me a month ago)
- is eating considered a sport worthy of LIVE airtime on ESPN
- can you cheat on your wife, lie about it, get caught lying about it, then get away with it and even keep your wife because her political career is dependent on her affiliation to you
- can you sit in a fast food restaurant at a table near four burly, tattooed construction workers, watch them pick their teeth and listen to them discuss their children's potty training progress (No link again, this was me last week)
- does 100% fruit juice mean 15% fruit juice and 85% other crap (Take a trip to your nearest Wal-Mart and read the labels on the cartons)
- can donkeys with empty heads have their own radio shows AND a strong following
- will people tolerate mistakes like this
(To be fair, some of these, like the fruit juice thing for example, may be found in other countries too, but since I haven't really looked, I'm going to assume not.)
- can you be pro-life and pro-war at the same time
- can an unemployed college graduate own two cars in good running condition (No link here, this was me a month ago)
- is eating considered a sport worthy of LIVE airtime on ESPN
- can you cheat on your wife, lie about it, get caught lying about it, then get away with it and even keep your wife because her political career is dependent on her affiliation to you
- can you sit in a fast food restaurant at a table near four burly, tattooed construction workers, watch them pick their teeth and listen to them discuss their children's potty training progress (No link again, this was me last week)
- does 100% fruit juice mean 15% fruit juice and 85% other crap (Take a trip to your nearest Wal-Mart and read the labels on the cartons)
- can donkeys with empty heads have their own radio shows AND a strong following
- will people tolerate mistakes like this
(To be fair, some of these, like the fruit juice thing for example, may be found in other countries too, but since I haven't really looked, I'm going to assume not.)
Monday, July 04, 2005
Me > Queen, Britney and Indian Songs
I'm sure you've heard "I Want To Break Free" by Queen (lyrics). If you haven't, go listen to it now. And then come back to finish reading this entry. A long time ago, when I was a wee lad still in school (or what you foreigners call HIGH school), so 8, 9 years ago, a friend of mine and I came up with a Weird Al caliber parody of this song. And, for lack of anything better to write this Sunday afternoon, I present to you the first verse of the song closet environmentalist (and flaming homosexual) Freddy Mercury really meant to write:
I Want To Plant Tree
I want to plant tree
I want to plant tree
I want to plant tree in the ground
It'll be so safe and sound for meee-o
I’ve got to plant tree
Gardeners, Gardeners, I want to plant tree...
I'm sure it goes on. I just don't know how.
And, since this isn't really long enough to be a respectable blog entry yet, here's another of my patented (well, not really, but if you're going to use this for personal gain you better pay me something... in cash, a visit doesn't count) parodies. This was written by me (that's why it's MINE, you see) when I was supposed to be studying for my Mechanics I final (which may explain why I got a low B in the course). The original song is, wait for it, "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears (lyrics):
Problem One More Time
Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to guess
My method wasn't right
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have found the stress
The question asked for height
Show me moments of inertia
Tell me baby
Coz I need to solve for resultant force
Mechanics I is killing me
And I
I must confess
I hate machines
When I see plane trusses I lose my mind
Sine or cosiiiine?
Work that problem one more time.
*Note: With clever manipulation of the syntax and some ingenious modifications to obscure binary algorithms, I was able to change the I in Mechanics I to a II and thus use the same song for my Mechanics II course as well.
Alright, fine, just one more. And this is only a two liner. And it's in Urdu/Hindi as well. But don't worry. I'll translate for you illiterate types.
The song is called "Sandese" meaning "Messages" and is from the Indian movie Border apparently, released in 1997 according to my sources (some website or the other). The first two lines were despicably distorted (again several years ago) in honor of one of my school friends who we liked to pretend was obese (even though he was probably just somewhat stocky, you know, well built, a healthy man if you will). The name of the song was altered to "Samose." A samosa is a small fried turnover of South Asian origin filled with seasoned vegetables or meat. And the original lines of the song:
Sandese aate hain
Humein tarpaate hain
which translate roughly (and most elegantly) to:
Messages come.
They make us restless/anxious.
were improved to read as follows:
Samose aate hain
Hum inhe khaate hain
which translate exactly (and most elegantly) to:
Small fried turnovers of South Asian origin filled with seasoned vegetables or meat come.
We eat them.
Hey, in the Third World, to amuse yourself, you do what you have to do.
I Want To Plant Tree
I want to plant tree
I want to plant tree
I want to plant tree in the ground
It'll be so safe and sound for meee-o
I’ve got to plant tree
Gardeners, Gardeners, I want to plant tree...
I'm sure it goes on. I just don't know how.
And, since this isn't really long enough to be a respectable blog entry yet, here's another of my patented (well, not really, but if you're going to use this for personal gain you better pay me something... in cash, a visit doesn't count) parodies. This was written by me (that's why it's MINE, you see) when I was supposed to be studying for my Mechanics I final (which may explain why I got a low B in the course). The original song is, wait for it, "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears (lyrics):
Problem One More Time
Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to guess
My method wasn't right
Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have found the stress
The question asked for height
Show me moments of inertia
Tell me baby
Coz I need to solve for resultant force
Mechanics I is killing me
And I
I must confess
I hate machines
When I see plane trusses I lose my mind
Sine or cosiiiine?
Work that problem one more time.
*Note: With clever manipulation of the syntax and some ingenious modifications to obscure binary algorithms, I was able to change the I in Mechanics I to a II and thus use the same song for my Mechanics II course as well.
Alright, fine, just one more. And this is only a two liner. And it's in Urdu/Hindi as well. But don't worry. I'll translate for you illiterate types.
The song is called "Sandese" meaning "Messages" and is from the Indian movie Border apparently, released in 1997 according to my sources (some website or the other). The first two lines were despicably distorted (again several years ago) in honor of one of my school friends who we liked to pretend was obese (even though he was probably just somewhat stocky, you know, well built, a healthy man if you will). The name of the song was altered to "Samose." A samosa is a small fried turnover of South Asian origin filled with seasoned vegetables or meat. And the original lines of the song:
Sandese aate hain
Humein tarpaate hain
which translate roughly (and most elegantly) to:
Messages come.
They make us restless/anxious.
were improved to read as follows:
Samose aate hain
Hum inhe khaate hain
which translate exactly (and most elegantly) to:
Small fried turnovers of South Asian origin filled with seasoned vegetables or meat come.
We eat them.
Hey, in the Third World, to amuse yourself, you do what you have to do.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Quotes: Iraq, Insurgents and Other Messes
Recent quotes I came across in the news. The first four (read in a group) are classic. Unfortunately, they're the only ones that I have been able to verify independently (and perhaps the fifth, but read for yourself):
"The insurgency in Iraq is in its last throes."
~ Dick Cheney (June 22, 2005 - not sure of the exact date, to be honest)
"I believe there are more foreign fighters coming into Iraq than there were six months ago... in terms of the overall strength of the insurgency, I'd say it was the same as it was (six months ago)... I don't know that I would make any comment about that (Cheney's comment above), other than to say that there's a lot of work to be done on the insurgency. I'm sure you'll forgive me for criticizing the vice president."
~ General John Abizaid, Head of US Central Command (June 23, 2005)
"If you look up 'last throes,' it can mean a violent last throe."
~ Donald Rumsfeld (June 25, 2005, ABC Interview)
"We're not going to win against the insurgency. The Iraqi people are going to win against the insurgency. That insurgency could go on for any number of years. Insurgencies tend to go on five, six, eight, 10, 12 years."
~ Donald Rumsfeld (June 25, 2005, SAME ABC Interview as the quote above it. Awfully long violent last throe, isn't it Donny? I think you call that CIVIL WAR)
" I know where Bin Laden is, but I'm not going to tell you. And no, I'm not going to catch him either."
~ Porter Goss, Director of the CIA (June 21, 2005, Sadly, this one is almost true. CNN.com put it this way: "CIA Director Porter Goss says he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but that the al Qaeda chief will not be caught until weak links in the war on terrorism are strengthened."
I like my way better.)
"Insurgency be damned. We don't know where Bin Laden is. Now leave us alone, but keep giving us money."
~ Pakistan
"Nobody wants to play with me. Or give me money. Or hunt for Bin Laden on my soil. :("
~ India
"HEY! Pay attention to me! I'm actually uprooting settlements! I'm going to displace 150 people in a pathetic attempt to atone for over 50 years of ruthless persecution! Pat on the back please!"
~ Israel
"*sigh* Death to Israel... or something."
~ Palestine
"Why, Henman, Why!!?? Oh, and the invasion was a bunch of jolly old rot, but we'll re-elect Blair anyway"
~ United Kingdom
"Woohoo! Death to America!"
~ Iran
"Holy crap! What have we done??"
~ Rest of Iran
"Y'allz still want the nukes, right?"
~ Russia, to Iran
"The insurgency in Iraq is in its last throes."
~ Dick Cheney (June 22, 2005 - not sure of the exact date, to be honest)
"I believe there are more foreign fighters coming into Iraq than there were six months ago... in terms of the overall strength of the insurgency, I'd say it was the same as it was (six months ago)... I don't know that I would make any comment about that (Cheney's comment above), other than to say that there's a lot of work to be done on the insurgency. I'm sure you'll forgive me for criticizing the vice president."
~ General John Abizaid, Head of US Central Command (June 23, 2005)
"If you look up 'last throes,' it can mean a violent last throe."
~ Donald Rumsfeld (June 25, 2005, ABC Interview)
"We're not going to win against the insurgency. The Iraqi people are going to win against the insurgency. That insurgency could go on for any number of years. Insurgencies tend to go on five, six, eight, 10, 12 years."
~ Donald Rumsfeld (June 25, 2005, SAME ABC Interview as the quote above it. Awfully long violent last throe, isn't it Donny? I think you call that CIVIL WAR)
" I know where Bin Laden is, but I'm not going to tell you. And no, I'm not going to catch him either."
~ Porter Goss, Director of the CIA (June 21, 2005, Sadly, this one is almost true. CNN.com put it this way: "CIA Director Porter Goss says he has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding, but that the al Qaeda chief will not be caught until weak links in the war on terrorism are strengthened."
I like my way better.)
"Insurgency be damned. We don't know where Bin Laden is. Now leave us alone, but keep giving us money."
~ Pakistan
"Nobody wants to play with me. Or give me money. Or hunt for Bin Laden on my soil. :("
~ India
"HEY! Pay attention to me! I'm actually uprooting settlements! I'm going to displace 150 people in a pathetic attempt to atone for over 50 years of ruthless persecution! Pat on the back please!"
~ Israel
"*sigh* Death to Israel... or something."
~ Palestine
"Why, Henman, Why!!?? Oh, and the invasion was a bunch of jolly old rot, but we'll re-elect Blair anyway"
~ United Kingdom
"Woohoo! Death to America!"
~ Iran
"Holy crap! What have we done??"
~ Rest of Iran
"Y'allz still want the nukes, right?"
~ Russia, to Iran
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Traffic Lights: Here and There
So on the way back to campus today, all the major traffic lights and streetlights on Stewart Street were out. Now that I've laid the foundation of my story, here we go:
Traffic Lights Go Out in America:
Drivers slow down. Pedestrians, commuters and travellers look at one another anxiously. Is everything alright? Maybe it's terrorism? Drivers proceed throuogh intersections highly alert and incredibly aware of everything around them. Drive. Stop. Look right. Look left. Look right again. Look left again. Drive. Breathe sigh of relief. Emergency crews are on the scene in seconds. Temporary stops signs are erected at each corner of the crossing. Some semblance of normality returns. Drivers show utmost respect for the stop signs. Everyone takes care moving through the intersection. Users of the road show patience and courtesy. Highly civilized. Very safe, secure. Serene almost.
Traffic Lights go out in Pakistan:
No one pays attention to them when they're working anyway. No change noted.
Now that's not completely true. But still, good story. Or story-like posting.
Traffic Lights Go Out in America:
Drivers slow down. Pedestrians, commuters and travellers look at one another anxiously. Is everything alright? Maybe it's terrorism? Drivers proceed throuogh intersections highly alert and incredibly aware of everything around them. Drive. Stop. Look right. Look left. Look right again. Look left again. Drive. Breathe sigh of relief. Emergency crews are on the scene in seconds. Temporary stops signs are erected at each corner of the crossing. Some semblance of normality returns. Drivers show utmost respect for the stop signs. Everyone takes care moving through the intersection. Users of the road show patience and courtesy. Highly civilized. Very safe, secure. Serene almost.
Traffic Lights go out in Pakistan:
No one pays attention to them when they're working anyway. No change noted.
Now that's not completely true. But still, good story. Or story-like posting.
Monday, June 20, 2005
UDF, Brits
So it's been a while.
Before I talk about anything else, you need to stretch out with your peelings. Just click on the link. Trust me, you'll be happy you did.
Did you know United Dairy Farmers (bear in mind, DAIRY) doesn't even stock plain yogurt? Clay, Sonia and I went to this Indian restaurant where the spiciness scale was so out of whack, we could barely taste our food because of the burning (ala Ralph Wiggum and "It tastes like burning!"). Anyway, I figured some Yogurt mixed with the chilis that were a poor substitute for rice would help temper somewhat the sensation of having my tongue ripped out every time a grain crossed my lips. So, off to UDF I went. I searched for the yogurt that would, could and should invariably be found at any self-respecting DAIRY store. I questioned a store attendant and she helpfully suggested strawberry flavored yogurt. And this is AFTER I explained to her the whole chili and rice and why I need plain yogurt story. Some people...
On a side, UDF is also directly responsible for having my car towed on the campus of the Ohio State University (and the $109.40 I had to pay to get it back). Needless to say, they will not be grateful recipients of my patronage for quite some time to come. Speedway Forever! UDF Never!
So the Brits had cold feet before the Iraq war, or so say 8 Secret and Confidential memos leaked to the press by some fellow in the British government. The memos are genuine apparently, but dear God, the Brits are such spineless morons. SIX months (not a year, not 2 years, SIX months) after September 11, 2001, Condoleezza Rice was in London discussing not Bin Laden, not the Taliban, but frickin IRAQ. Now think back to March, 2002. Was Iraq even at the back of your mind? No. Bin Laden was. As was the war in Afghanistan, which, for all intents and purposes, is still ongoing. 194 US servicemembers have died there, almost 50 more than the first Gulf War that created all that hoohah. But no one cares. Scores of young Americans and Iraqis alike are being led to their deaths on the whims of a powerful, short-sighted and perenially stupid few. It's enough to make your toes curl (and not in a good way either).
Anyway, so these memos are freely available online and at the AP website. Listen to some of these quotes:
"The truth is that what has changed is not the pace of Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, but our tolerance of them post-11 September."
"If 11 September had not happened, it is doubtful that the U.S. would now be considering military action against Iraq. In addition, there has been no credible evidence to link Iraq with OBL (Osama bin Laden) and al-Qaida."
"We have also to answer the big question — what will this action achieve? There seems to be a larger hole in this than on anything."
Everything that is now apparent, the Brits knew BEFORE the war. Yet they went ahead with it anyway. What a bunch of pansies. Idiotic pansies. Tea-drinking, idiotic pansies. Tea-drinking, Queen-loving, idiotic pansies. Yeah.
I have little or no patience now for anyone who continues to preach the complete and utter righteousness of the actions of their government. EVERY goverment has its faults. Open your eyes. And grow a brain.
That is all.
For now.
Before I talk about anything else, you need to stretch out with your peelings. Just click on the link. Trust me, you'll be happy you did.
Did you know United Dairy Farmers (bear in mind, DAIRY) doesn't even stock plain yogurt? Clay, Sonia and I went to this Indian restaurant where the spiciness scale was so out of whack, we could barely taste our food because of the burning (ala Ralph Wiggum and "It tastes like burning!"). Anyway, I figured some Yogurt mixed with the chilis that were a poor substitute for rice would help temper somewhat the sensation of having my tongue ripped out every time a grain crossed my lips. So, off to UDF I went. I searched for the yogurt that would, could and should invariably be found at any self-respecting DAIRY store. I questioned a store attendant and she helpfully suggested strawberry flavored yogurt. And this is AFTER I explained to her the whole chili and rice and why I need plain yogurt story. Some people...
On a side, UDF is also directly responsible for having my car towed on the campus of the Ohio State University (and the $109.40 I had to pay to get it back). Needless to say, they will not be grateful recipients of my patronage for quite some time to come. Speedway Forever! UDF Never!
So the Brits had cold feet before the Iraq war, or so say 8 Secret and Confidential memos leaked to the press by some fellow in the British government. The memos are genuine apparently, but dear God, the Brits are such spineless morons. SIX months (not a year, not 2 years, SIX months) after September 11, 2001, Condoleezza Rice was in London discussing not Bin Laden, not the Taliban, but frickin IRAQ. Now think back to March, 2002. Was Iraq even at the back of your mind? No. Bin Laden was. As was the war in Afghanistan, which, for all intents and purposes, is still ongoing. 194 US servicemembers have died there, almost 50 more than the first Gulf War that created all that hoohah. But no one cares. Scores of young Americans and Iraqis alike are being led to their deaths on the whims of a powerful, short-sighted and perenially stupid few. It's enough to make your toes curl (and not in a good way either).
Anyway, so these memos are freely available online and at the AP website. Listen to some of these quotes:
"The truth is that what has changed is not the pace of Saddam Hussein's WMD programs, but our tolerance of them post-11 September."
"If 11 September had not happened, it is doubtful that the U.S. would now be considering military action against Iraq. In addition, there has been no credible evidence to link Iraq with OBL (Osama bin Laden) and al-Qaida."
"We have also to answer the big question — what will this action achieve? There seems to be a larger hole in this than on anything."
Everything that is now apparent, the Brits knew BEFORE the war. Yet they went ahead with it anyway. What a bunch of pansies. Idiotic pansies. Tea-drinking, idiotic pansies. Tea-drinking, Queen-loving, idiotic pansies. Yeah.
I have little or no patience now for anyone who continues to preach the complete and utter righteousness of the actions of their government. EVERY goverment has its faults. Open your eyes. And grow a brain.
That is all.
For now.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Bob Jones University
Message from me to the Graduate Admissions Office at Bob Jones University:
I am a 24 year old male Pakistani citizen and also a Muslim. I am very interested in attending Bob Jones University in the Fall of 2006 to continue my education. I was wondering what facilities you offer your international students and whether there are any events that would cater to the people from my region.
I also noticed, while going through your Residence Life web page, that you do not specify any restriction on rap music on your campus. Does this mean I would be able to bring my Eminem CDs with me when I join you? I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Message from the International Admissions Counselor at Bob Jones University to me:
Greetings from Bob Jones University.
For detailed information on our majors, please visit our website at http://www.bju.edu/ and click on "Academics."
Let me share a bit of information about BJU which may interest you:
Bob Jones University is Protestant, nondenominational, coeducational, and thoroughly orthodox university which stands without apology for the absolute authority of the Bible. We are in the business of training Christian leaders to go out to witness for the Lord Jesus Christ in whatever business or profession they may feel called of God to invest their lives. We are generally reluctant to enroll an international student unless he is a born-again Christian. Each applicant must write a testimony of how he or she became a born-again Christian.
We are sorry, but we do not have any financial aid to offer to you. The founder believed that each student is responsible to care for the cost of his education, regardless of his citizenship. We require an advance payment of one year's room, board, and tuition before you will be accepted to come.
Please click on the following link to see the special information we have included on our website for international students. This page will answer your questions about our application deadlines, TOEFL scores, and financial requirements: http://www.bju.edu/admissions/international.html
If you are interested in further information about Bob Jones University, please let me know.
Looks like I'm good to go with the Eminem CDs at any rate...
I am a 24 year old male Pakistani citizen and also a Muslim. I am very interested in attending Bob Jones University in the Fall of 2006 to continue my education. I was wondering what facilities you offer your international students and whether there are any events that would cater to the people from my region.
I also noticed, while going through your Residence Life web page, that you do not specify any restriction on rap music on your campus. Does this mean I would be able to bring my Eminem CDs with me when I join you? I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Message from the International Admissions Counselor at Bob Jones University to me:
Greetings from Bob Jones University.
For detailed information on our majors, please visit our website at http://www.bju.edu/ and click on "Academics."
Let me share a bit of information about BJU which may interest you:
Bob Jones University is Protestant, nondenominational, coeducational, and thoroughly orthodox university which stands without apology for the absolute authority of the Bible. We are in the business of training Christian leaders to go out to witness for the Lord Jesus Christ in whatever business or profession they may feel called of God to invest their lives. We are generally reluctant to enroll an international student unless he is a born-again Christian. Each applicant must write a testimony of how he or she became a born-again Christian.
We are sorry, but we do not have any financial aid to offer to you. The founder believed that each student is responsible to care for the cost of his education, regardless of his citizenship. We require an advance payment of one year's room, board, and tuition before you will be accepted to come.
Please click on the following link to see the special information we have included on our website for international students. This page will answer your questions about our application deadlines, TOEFL scores, and financial requirements: http://www.bju.edu/admissions/international.html
If you are interested in further information about Bob Jones University, please let me know.
Looks like I'm good to go with the Eminem CDs at any rate...
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Two Stories - Waiting and The Turks
Two stories this entry. Lucky you!
Foreigner, Clay and the Bad Waiting Experience
So yesterday Clay and I printed off a $25 dollar coupon for this restaurant at http://www.restaurant.com/ - we'll call it "Enemies" - and went there to eat. It seemed like a nice, friendly environment. Several families were eating together. Basketball games were on the TVs at the bar. No one was being shot in the head. Pianos weren't being molested. You know, good stuff.
Things started to go downhill when we sat down and looked at the menus that were handed to us by a caucasian girl who looked like she'd just been scolded for eating too many cookies before dinner. The menu informed us that we had a grand total of 4 entrees to choose from. It didn't take us long to decide what we wanted. And then the waiting began:
Minute 0: Orders for salads and entrees placed. Pathetically flat carbonated beverages received.
Minute 10: Clay and I decide to play pool. I foolishly hope our food doesn't arrive while we're playing. I wouldn't want the steaming hot gastronomic delight to go cold in our absence.
Minute 20: I pocket the 8-ball to complete a stunning come-from-behind victory (as is my style) and we return to our seats at the bar to find no salad, no entree and even flatter beverages.
Minute 30: The Houston-Dallas game is dead as a contest. I glare at the waitress every time she walks by and complain loudly to Clay about the service. No eye contact is made. No salads. No entrees. No refills.
Minute 35: I encourage Clay to get up and leave with me. Clay gets cold feet. The waitress walks right by us with a cellphone to her ear. I glare. She ignores. She goes into some sort of supply closet with the phone still to her ear.
Minute 40: Waitress exits closet. I glare with extra intensity. This finally gets her attention. We get some story about how our food is coming (No kidding? Food at a restaurant?). Clay promises to leave if our food hasn't arrived in 2 minutes.
Minute 42: Clay looks away when I point out that two minutes have passed.
Minute 45: Waitress disappears. Could this be the magic moment?
Minute 47: Waitress reappears. Still no salads, no entrees and no refills.
Minute 50: I tell Clay we're leaving. Clay says he'll follow me out after a minute or so to dispel the suspicion a hurried pair exit is likely to raise.
Minute 51: Out. I'm such a rebel!
Minute 52: Clay out. He's such a rebel!
Minute 70: We pull into the parking lot of the Golden Dragon Chinese Buffet and enjoy a decent meal, friendly service and full stomachs.
All I can say is Thank God for Immigrants. If it weren't for the Chinese, we'd have been driving around to restaurants similar in nature to Enemies all night long.
On the other hand, this reminds of me of another story which we'll call:
Foreigner, Clay and the Rude Turkish Tailor
So the zipper on my suit pants was completely out of order. It just plain stopped zipping. I'd tug on the pin and the gaping hole in the front of my pants would refuse to seal no matter what I did. Now back home in the Third World (I'm foreign, remember) when something like this happens, you walk 10 minutes to the nearest tailor, pay him the equivalent of 50 cents and have a brand spanking new zipper put in that as good as if not better than the original.
But not in the most advanced nation on earth, oh no. Here, you won't find a tailor who'll do it for less than what you paid for the damn pants. In the first place, you won't find a tailor. Maybe I didn't look hard enough... anyway, you won't find a tailor EASILY. I ended up one Thursday afternoon with Clay driving through downtown Hicksville, Mid-Western USA in search of tailors. The one seamstress we hoped to find was out. The second one had shut down and moved away. Our last hope was this huge shop in pretty much the heart of the dead downtown (where buildings went as high as 5 storeys and Clay told me they actually knocked down a mall to put in a street... so things were picking up that year).
Anyway, this shop was the deadest of the dead. Three old Eastern European type people sitting in a back room talking in Turkish sewing what looked like 30 year old curtains. You know the feeling you get when you walk into an attic that's been shut for years and years? Yeah, well that's the feeling you get when you walk into Mr. Turkish Tailors (not the store's real name).
So this old fellow looked up in shock (Customers?? But we don't get THOSE anymore!) and asked what the matter was. I told him my story. He looked at the pants for a while, tried some fancy chalk stuff and then announced dramatically: "New Zipper!"
Amazing! We would never have guessed!
But get this. He wanted FOURTEEN dollars for his work. I was a bit taken aback. That seemed a bit steep... that was about half of what I'd paid for the whole pair of pants (or what my parents had paid). But whatever. As long as they were repaired, right? So I asked if I could pick them up later that afternoon since I needed them on Saturday (2 days later). To which he pointed to Saturday on the calendar and nodded his head. I was quite happy, till I realized that he was pointing at the Saturday AFTER next (9 days later). Now I needed to wear those pants in less than 48 hours so I tried to turn on the charm, praise his skills, explain how the zipper would be child's play to him etc etc.
"Very busy" were the two words I got out of him. I looked around the coffin of the place feeling a little disoriented. Very busy? What?
I tried once more to talk him into a shorter waiting period. For my efforts, I received my pants in my hands and the words "Then take it!"
Take it I did. And Clay and I left. Stupid immigrants. Deport them all!!
And the moral of these stories is:
There's two sides to every story... or
There's two stories to every side.
Take your pick.
Foreigner, Clay and the Bad Waiting Experience
So yesterday Clay and I printed off a $25 dollar coupon for this restaurant at http://www.restaurant.com/ - we'll call it "Enemies" - and went there to eat. It seemed like a nice, friendly environment. Several families were eating together. Basketball games were on the TVs at the bar. No one was being shot in the head. Pianos weren't being molested. You know, good stuff.
Things started to go downhill when we sat down and looked at the menus that were handed to us by a caucasian girl who looked like she'd just been scolded for eating too many cookies before dinner. The menu informed us that we had a grand total of 4 entrees to choose from. It didn't take us long to decide what we wanted. And then the waiting began:
Minute 0: Orders for salads and entrees placed. Pathetically flat carbonated beverages received.
Minute 10: Clay and I decide to play pool. I foolishly hope our food doesn't arrive while we're playing. I wouldn't want the steaming hot gastronomic delight to go cold in our absence.
Minute 20: I pocket the 8-ball to complete a stunning come-from-behind victory (as is my style) and we return to our seats at the bar to find no salad, no entree and even flatter beverages.
Minute 30: The Houston-Dallas game is dead as a contest. I glare at the waitress every time she walks by and complain loudly to Clay about the service. No eye contact is made. No salads. No entrees. No refills.
Minute 35: I encourage Clay to get up and leave with me. Clay gets cold feet. The waitress walks right by us with a cellphone to her ear. I glare. She ignores. She goes into some sort of supply closet with the phone still to her ear.
Minute 40: Waitress exits closet. I glare with extra intensity. This finally gets her attention. We get some story about how our food is coming (No kidding? Food at a restaurant?). Clay promises to leave if our food hasn't arrived in 2 minutes.
Minute 42: Clay looks away when I point out that two minutes have passed.
Minute 45: Waitress disappears. Could this be the magic moment?
Minute 47: Waitress reappears. Still no salads, no entrees and no refills.
Minute 50: I tell Clay we're leaving. Clay says he'll follow me out after a minute or so to dispel the suspicion a hurried pair exit is likely to raise.
Minute 51: Out. I'm such a rebel!
Minute 52: Clay out. He's such a rebel!
Minute 70: We pull into the parking lot of the Golden Dragon Chinese Buffet and enjoy a decent meal, friendly service and full stomachs.
All I can say is Thank God for Immigrants. If it weren't for the Chinese, we'd have been driving around to restaurants similar in nature to Enemies all night long.
On the other hand, this reminds of me of another story which we'll call:
Foreigner, Clay and the Rude Turkish Tailor
So the zipper on my suit pants was completely out of order. It just plain stopped zipping. I'd tug on the pin and the gaping hole in the front of my pants would refuse to seal no matter what I did. Now back home in the Third World (I'm foreign, remember) when something like this happens, you walk 10 minutes to the nearest tailor, pay him the equivalent of 50 cents and have a brand spanking new zipper put in that as good as if not better than the original.
But not in the most advanced nation on earth, oh no. Here, you won't find a tailor who'll do it for less than what you paid for the damn pants. In the first place, you won't find a tailor. Maybe I didn't look hard enough... anyway, you won't find a tailor EASILY. I ended up one Thursday afternoon with Clay driving through downtown Hicksville, Mid-Western USA in search of tailors. The one seamstress we hoped to find was out. The second one had shut down and moved away. Our last hope was this huge shop in pretty much the heart of the dead downtown (where buildings went as high as 5 storeys and Clay told me they actually knocked down a mall to put in a street... so things were picking up that year).
Anyway, this shop was the deadest of the dead. Three old Eastern European type people sitting in a back room talking in Turkish sewing what looked like 30 year old curtains. You know the feeling you get when you walk into an attic that's been shut for years and years? Yeah, well that's the feeling you get when you walk into Mr. Turkish Tailors (not the store's real name).
So this old fellow looked up in shock (Customers?? But we don't get THOSE anymore!) and asked what the matter was. I told him my story. He looked at the pants for a while, tried some fancy chalk stuff and then announced dramatically: "New Zipper!"
Amazing! We would never have guessed!
But get this. He wanted FOURTEEN dollars for his work. I was a bit taken aback. That seemed a bit steep... that was about half of what I'd paid for the whole pair of pants (or what my parents had paid). But whatever. As long as they were repaired, right? So I asked if I could pick them up later that afternoon since I needed them on Saturday (2 days later). To which he pointed to Saturday on the calendar and nodded his head. I was quite happy, till I realized that he was pointing at the Saturday AFTER next (9 days later). Now I needed to wear those pants in less than 48 hours so I tried to turn on the charm, praise his skills, explain how the zipper would be child's play to him etc etc.
"Very busy" were the two words I got out of him. I looked around the coffin of the place feeling a little disoriented. Very busy? What?
I tried once more to talk him into a shorter waiting period. For my efforts, I received my pants in my hands and the words "Then take it!"
Take it I did. And Clay and I left. Stupid immigrants. Deport them all!!
And the moral of these stories is:
There's two sides to every story... or
There's two stories to every side.
Take your pick.
Monday, April 18, 2005
No to Bolton, Daily Show Update
John R. Bolton makes me so mad. Here the United States is supposed to be working on repairing its image and blah blah and instead we get saddled with this goon. Or, what the world thinks of America be damned, but lets not go out of our way to get people's pantyhose in knots please. John Bolton's nomination as US Ambassador to the UN is just plain stupid.
Look.
1. He hates the United Nations. He has denounced international treaties on small arms, biological weapons and the International Criminal Court. He has said that if the United Nations building lost 10 of its 38 floors, no one would notice (Washington Post, March 22, 2005).
2. He tries to get fired or reassigned pretty much anyone under him who wishes to think for himself or herself. He sought the removal of at least three subordinates or intelligence officials during his time as an Under Secretary of State, one because the results of a report didn't agree with his world view (New York Times, April 16, 2005).
3. He is a douchebag (Foreigner's Opinion Post, April 18, 2005).
4. He looks like he lives in a cobweb (Foreigner's Opinion Times, April 18, 2005).
The man is just so WRONG for this position, it blows my mind. Seriously. In case you're having trouble comprehending the magnitude of the idiocy of this nomination, allow me to present to you some analogies of similar levels of ridiculousness :
1. Michael Jackson being invited to star in Fox's Nanny 911
2. Jenna Jameson being appointed President of Bob Jones University
3. Anna Nicole Smith writing a book titled "Aging Gracefully"
4. George W. Bush qualifying for Mensa membership
5. Jay Leno winning the "Smallest Chin" Award
Yeah, so there. And remember, if you're one of the 18 United States Senators on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that will be voting on this matter on Tuesday, the last two letters of John R. Bolton's last name read backwards spell NO.
By the way, Daily Show update. They didn't reply to me so I faxed them again this Friday. And, when I got back to my room later that day, there was a message on my phone from a lady named Joanna* at The Daily Show saying I didn't make the first round of interviews. So sad.
HOWEVER, the very next message on the phone was from Pat at The Daily Show saying they've already filled their positions for the Summer but if I'm interested in a position for the Fall, I should call back and let him know. So Pat's obviously the man. And Joanna* doesn't know what she's talking about.
*Name changed to protect her identity to ensure that my rabid fans don't hunt her down and kill her
Look.
1. He hates the United Nations. He has denounced international treaties on small arms, biological weapons and the International Criminal Court. He has said that if the United Nations building lost 10 of its 38 floors, no one would notice (Washington Post, March 22, 2005).
2. He tries to get fired or reassigned pretty much anyone under him who wishes to think for himself or herself. He sought the removal of at least three subordinates or intelligence officials during his time as an Under Secretary of State, one because the results of a report didn't agree with his world view (New York Times, April 16, 2005).
3. He is a douchebag (Foreigner's Opinion Post, April 18, 2005).
4. He looks like he lives in a cobweb (Foreigner's Opinion Times, April 18, 2005).
The man is just so WRONG for this position, it blows my mind. Seriously. In case you're having trouble comprehending the magnitude of the idiocy of this nomination, allow me to present to you some analogies of similar levels of ridiculousness :
1. Michael Jackson being invited to star in Fox's Nanny 911
2. Jenna Jameson being appointed President of Bob Jones University
3. Anna Nicole Smith writing a book titled "Aging Gracefully"
4. George W. Bush qualifying for Mensa membership
5. Jay Leno winning the "Smallest Chin" Award
Yeah, so there. And remember, if you're one of the 18 United States Senators on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that will be voting on this matter on Tuesday, the last two letters of John R. Bolton's last name read backwards spell NO.
By the way, Daily Show update. They didn't reply to me so I faxed them again this Friday. And, when I got back to my room later that day, there was a message on my phone from a lady named Joanna* at The Daily Show saying I didn't make the first round of interviews. So sad.
HOWEVER, the very next message on the phone was from Pat at The Daily Show saying they've already filled their positions for the Summer but if I'm interested in a position for the Fall, I should call back and let him know. So Pat's obviously the man. And Joanna* doesn't know what she's talking about.
*Name changed to protect her identity to ensure that my rabid fans don't hunt her down and kill her
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Vijay Singh, Ducks
Been a bit of a busy week for me, what with academic commitments and finding out that my car has an oxygen sensor, then finding out that it actually has two, but then only being able to find one on the actual car itself. So you see why I haven't had time to post. The Daily Show still hasn't come to me on its knees by the way. Y'all need to get your telephoning skills in order right quick (and I mean ALL of you... all 3 of you...).
So what's with this Vijay Singh fellow anyway? He gets all up in Phil Mickleson's face because... get this... Mickleson's spikes were too large. Apparently poor Vijay had a hard time putting on the 12th green during the second round of the Masters this weekend because of the gaping craters left by Phil's oversize spikes. What a wimp. Golf is barely a sport anyway, Veej, and if pinprick-sized holes are going to bother you, you may as well take your Fijian behind and your primadonna temperament to the Spelling Bee. Seriously, spelling is a sport too. They show it on ESPN. Do you know how to spell Lilliputian?
Did you hear about how the US Secret Service is protecting a pregnant duck? So this mallard sets up nest right outside the US Treasury building and lays eggs, right? And the Secret Service is nice enough to build a shelter for it. Nothing against that... nice of the fellows if you ask me. But I was wondering what would happen if I, or any other person for that matter, decided to set up nest on the stairs of the Treasury Building. And then lay stuff... probably not eggs. I don't see the Secret Service protecting me... or the Secretary of the Treasury stopping by to say Good Morning. *sigh* Even ducks have more rights than I do. Maybe the duck's protesting what Bush is trying to do to Social Security or something. Smart animals these ducks are... you never know. I wonder if the Secret Service frisked it...
Yeah, I'm really not on form right now. So I'm done.
So what's with this Vijay Singh fellow anyway? He gets all up in Phil Mickleson's face because... get this... Mickleson's spikes were too large. Apparently poor Vijay had a hard time putting on the 12th green during the second round of the Masters this weekend because of the gaping craters left by Phil's oversize spikes. What a wimp. Golf is barely a sport anyway, Veej, and if pinprick-sized holes are going to bother you, you may as well take your Fijian behind and your primadonna temperament to the Spelling Bee. Seriously, spelling is a sport too. They show it on ESPN. Do you know how to spell Lilliputian?
Did you hear about how the US Secret Service is protecting a pregnant duck? So this mallard sets up nest right outside the US Treasury building and lays eggs, right? And the Secret Service is nice enough to build a shelter for it. Nothing against that... nice of the fellows if you ask me. But I was wondering what would happen if I, or any other person for that matter, decided to set up nest on the stairs of the Treasury Building. And then lay stuff... probably not eggs. I don't see the Secret Service protecting me... or the Secretary of the Treasury stopping by to say Good Morning. *sigh* Even ducks have more rights than I do. Maybe the duck's protesting what Bush is trying to do to Social Security or something. Smart animals these ducks are... you never know. I wonder if the Secret Service frisked it...
Yeah, I'm really not on form right now. So I'm done.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Not a joke!
A Word to the Wise:
The Daily Show entry (the one right below this) is NOT an April Fool's Day joke despite the date of posting. I seriously expect you to call New York City and talk me up to the answering machine. Clear?
I guess I should talk a little about the Pope. I liked him. All-round good guy, he was. I just hope they don't elect some war-mongering, crusading monster to take his place. We have enough of those in sitting governments. And I'm not talking ONLY about America either.
The Daily Show entry (the one right below this) is NOT an April Fool's Day joke despite the date of posting. I seriously expect you to call New York City and talk me up to the answering machine. Clear?
I guess I should talk a little about the Pope. I liked him. All-round good guy, he was. I just hope they don't elect some war-mongering, crusading monster to take his place. We have enough of those in sitting governments. And I'm not talking ONLY about America either.
Friday, April 01, 2005
The Daily Show
Alright, so I did this past week what I've been trying to muster enough gumption to do for a very long time. I wrote to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Mon - Thu 11/10c on Comedy Central) and politely requested that they consider employing my services if they happened to have a spot open on their roster this upcoming May.
ACTUALLY, I composed a desperate, devoid of all hope country song type of missive that will probably give them the impression that I spend most of my day on my knees (begging and pleading, not doing anything else). I included phrases like "I hope to God you read my plea in its entirety and decide I’m worth getting in touch with" and "Look. This means a lot to me. All I ask for is a chance." Basically, in hindsight, I made them think I'm a pathetic loser with low self esteem. Dammit!
HOWEVER, I did also, from time to time, insert stuff like:
"Think of me as an investment. I will pay off handsomely"
*Makes The Daily Show sound like a brothel.
"I’m also horribly smart. Trust me. I’m horribly smart"
*Illustrates my ability to get a point across to my viewers/listener/readers. I'm horribly smart, you see.
"Exactly how many genuine, bona fide, certified Pakistani citizens do you have working for the Daily Show?"
*Lets them know that I watched the Monorail episode of The Simpsons and am willing to steal other people's ideas for a few cheap laughs.
"I can be horribly bitter and sarcastic when I’m in the right mood (i.e. awake)."
*Hints at the little-known fact that I may occasionally from time to time have a subtle sarcastic moment from time to time, occasionally.
"Plus, I’ll even teach the entire Daily Show staff how to swear in Urdu, the national language of Pakistan."
*Elaborates on how I plan to use my cultural strengths to introduce diversity to the show.
So it wasn't ALL bad.
By the way, if you're from The Daily Show, and you're reading this, HIRE ME. NOW.
And if you're not from The Daily Show, and don't exactly want me dead, do me a favor:
1. Call 1-212-586-2477. (If you are under 18, please ask your parents' permission.)
2. Listen to the incredibly long automated response that will tell you that you can't reserve tickets for the show over the phone.
3. Leave a message telling Whoever Listens to These Messages that they need to hire me as soon as possible for the good of the show (the planet, world peace, blah blah. Be creative, I don't care. If you are under 18, tell them to do it for the children. That'll be cute and touching).
4. Don't forget to tell them my real name and current academic location. (If you're reading this, you probably know my real name and current academic location, right? And if you don't, hot damn, I've got a reader who doesn't know me!)
5. Hang up.
6. Repeat steps 1 through 5.
Thank you for your efforts. I am now going to go sit in a dark corner, rock back and forth and whine piteously until I hear good news. I might make a couple of phone calls myself, who knows.
ACTUALLY, I composed a desperate, devoid of all hope country song type of missive that will probably give them the impression that I spend most of my day on my knees (begging and pleading, not doing anything else). I included phrases like "I hope to God you read my plea in its entirety and decide I’m worth getting in touch with" and "Look. This means a lot to me. All I ask for is a chance." Basically, in hindsight, I made them think I'm a pathetic loser with low self esteem. Dammit!
HOWEVER, I did also, from time to time, insert stuff like:
"Think of me as an investment. I will pay off handsomely"
*Makes The Daily Show sound like a brothel.
"I’m also horribly smart. Trust me. I’m horribly smart"
*Illustrates my ability to get a point across to my viewers/listener/readers. I'm horribly smart, you see.
"Exactly how many genuine, bona fide, certified Pakistani citizens do you have working for the Daily Show?"
*Lets them know that I watched the Monorail episode of The Simpsons and am willing to steal other people's ideas for a few cheap laughs.
"I can be horribly bitter and sarcastic when I’m in the right mood (i.e. awake)."
*Hints at the little-known fact that I may occasionally from time to time have a subtle sarcastic moment from time to time, occasionally.
"Plus, I’ll even teach the entire Daily Show staff how to swear in Urdu, the national language of Pakistan."
*Elaborates on how I plan to use my cultural strengths to introduce diversity to the show.
So it wasn't ALL bad.
By the way, if you're from The Daily Show, and you're reading this, HIRE ME. NOW.
And if you're not from The Daily Show, and don't exactly want me dead, do me a favor:
1. Call 1-212-586-2477. (If you are under 18, please ask your parents' permission.)
2. Listen to the incredibly long automated response that will tell you that you can't reserve tickets for the show over the phone.
3. Leave a message telling Whoever Listens to These Messages that they need to hire me as soon as possible for the good of the show (the planet, world peace, blah blah. Be creative, I don't care. If you are under 18, tell them to do it for the children. That'll be cute and touching).
4. Don't forget to tell them my real name and current academic location. (If you're reading this, you probably know my real name and current academic location, right? And if you don't, hot damn, I've got a reader who doesn't know me!)
5. Hang up.
6. Repeat steps 1 through 5.
Thank you for your efforts. I am now going to go sit in a dark corner, rock back and forth and whine piteously until I hear good news. I might make a couple of phone calls myself, who knows.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Christianity, Life, Foreigner... Gosh!
So, a fellow tried to convert me to Christianity the other day... and by the other day I mean at 130 am on Sunday morning. It was, needless to say, an interesting time. The conversation was civil, yet compelling, and I appreciate the chap's willingness to share his faith with me. But, in responding to his invitation, I found myself expounding on my as-yet-still-very-confused philosophy of life rather lucidly. Which, in all honesty, was horribly surprising. I still need to fine tune it but what the heck, here's a sneak preview, only available at The Foreigner House:
So we all didn't come from nothing... there was something at the beginning right? Socks, sandy beaches, whatever. Where did those socks and sandy beaches come from? God knows. Point being, man didn't come from socks and sandy beaches. Man came, even if you believe the whole evolution thing, from something living. So there had to be something living to start it all. And something living can't come from something inanimate, or not living. So, something living had to come from something greater than something living. So God. Or whatever our concept of God is. So there was God.
And God ordered the world somewhat. You know, night and day, life and death, Naomi Watts being a little too old for me etc etc. BUT, as He was ordering the world, He said to Himself, "Hmmm, so if I order the world completely, the rest of eternity's going to be pretty damn boring, what with all this order and crap. Much better to leave a little disorder and add 3 tablespoons of free will (before mixing, otherwise the batter will get lumpy)." So now we have God with an almost ordered world and some semblance of free will.
Now the whole free will thing suits us humans (when we finally manage to kill off the dinosaurs and the crazy aliens that built Stonehenge and whatnot) just fine. There's drinking and dancing and orgies and very limited accountability (kind of like a corrupt third world government). And God thinks, "This is bad. The whole free will dealio isn't working out the way it should. Oh well, time to send some prophets." And the prophets came, and they told people that what God really meant by free will is that they should commit "random kindness and senseless acts of beauty," not the silly rubbish they were indulging in.
And the prophets were persecuted and killed. With good reason generally. Try to tell a bunch of drinking, dancing, orgying, unaccountable chappies that they're not supposed to be enjoying themselves so much and, chances are, they'll smack you upside the head with a debauched goblet of some sort. SO, God sent prophets to an almost ordered world to encourage people to stick to what He figured were a decent set of rules.
We humans are smart people. As the rules came from God, we modified our societies to fit those rules, but still managed to find loopholes that allowed us to have a little fun. But then there were those who disregarded the rules altogether. God persevered though, and finally, He figured He had come up with an pretty damn decent code of ethics, which Muslims (and those who like to think they're Muslims) like to call Islam.
Now that the pretty damn decent code was there, there was only the problem of making sure that people followed the code. Of course, He didn't want a bunch of machines because that would be boring. If you remember, that's why we're in this whole free will mess in the first place. So God decided to let the people try to figure things out themselves, but send reformers and stuff whenever He felt like it anyway.
So I figured I'd go with the latest... you know Islam 1.0, or Christianity 2.0, or Judaism 3.0, call it what you will. It makes sense to me, most of the time.
So here we are today. People all over the place looking at different versions of the same message. Oh, and killing each other.
Oh Abraham, if you had only known what chaos your seed would spread...
So we all didn't come from nothing... there was something at the beginning right? Socks, sandy beaches, whatever. Where did those socks and sandy beaches come from? God knows. Point being, man didn't come from socks and sandy beaches. Man came, even if you believe the whole evolution thing, from something living. So there had to be something living to start it all. And something living can't come from something inanimate, or not living. So, something living had to come from something greater than something living. So God. Or whatever our concept of God is. So there was God.
And God ordered the world somewhat. You know, night and day, life and death, Naomi Watts being a little too old for me etc etc. BUT, as He was ordering the world, He said to Himself, "Hmmm, so if I order the world completely, the rest of eternity's going to be pretty damn boring, what with all this order and crap. Much better to leave a little disorder and add 3 tablespoons of free will (before mixing, otherwise the batter will get lumpy)." So now we have God with an almost ordered world and some semblance of free will.
Now the whole free will thing suits us humans (when we finally manage to kill off the dinosaurs and the crazy aliens that built Stonehenge and whatnot) just fine. There's drinking and dancing and orgies and very limited accountability (kind of like a corrupt third world government). And God thinks, "This is bad. The whole free will dealio isn't working out the way it should. Oh well, time to send some prophets." And the prophets came, and they told people that what God really meant by free will is that they should commit "random kindness and senseless acts of beauty," not the silly rubbish they were indulging in.
And the prophets were persecuted and killed. With good reason generally. Try to tell a bunch of drinking, dancing, orgying, unaccountable chappies that they're not supposed to be enjoying themselves so much and, chances are, they'll smack you upside the head with a debauched goblet of some sort. SO, God sent prophets to an almost ordered world to encourage people to stick to what He figured were a decent set of rules.
We humans are smart people. As the rules came from God, we modified our societies to fit those rules, but still managed to find loopholes that allowed us to have a little fun. But then there were those who disregarded the rules altogether. God persevered though, and finally, He figured He had come up with an pretty damn decent code of ethics, which Muslims (and those who like to think they're Muslims) like to call Islam.
Now that the pretty damn decent code was there, there was only the problem of making sure that people followed the code. Of course, He didn't want a bunch of machines because that would be boring. If you remember, that's why we're in this whole free will mess in the first place. So God decided to let the people try to figure things out themselves, but send reformers and stuff whenever He felt like it anyway.
So I figured I'd go with the latest... you know Islam 1.0, or Christianity 2.0, or Judaism 3.0, call it what you will. It makes sense to me, most of the time.
So here we are today. People all over the place looking at different versions of the same message. Oh, and killing each other.
Oh Abraham, if you had only known what chaos your seed would spread...
2 Terri Cents and Humvees
For crying out loud, put the damn tube back in and let the woman and her parents live in peace. I'm so sick and tired of Terri this, Terri that (ironic that I should choose to write about something I'm so sick of, eh?). Michael Schiavo is a low-life creep and I can't believe a bunch of judges give him more credibility than they give the parents of the girl. Now I know why Florida keeps going to a bunch of "We're-pro-life-but-we-love-killing-people-in-wars" Republicans. Even their judges are stupid. Good job to the Democrats at least for taking a stand. Somewhere. On something. Damned if I know where and what.
Anyway, on to more pleasant topics. I just found out that the US Army intended to control the entire country of Iraq with 235 Humvees when the stupid war started just about 2 years ago. 235! Why, you could count that on... erm... 47 hands! Anyway, they realized that they underestimated slightly the amount they would need so, by this Friday, they'll have increased the number a smidgen. To 22,000. Seriously now. TWENTY TWO FRICKEN THOUSAND. To be fair, the number is only 21,765 more than they had originally intended. This must be a part of the "miscalculations" that the ever-understated Defender Of Peace And Liberty The World Over (When It Suits Him) Donald Rumsfeld keeps referring to. It makes me laugh. But its not one of those hearty belly laughs that you might produce during an exceptionally funny episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? It's one of those mirthless "Dear-God-Why-is-the-strongest-free-est-and-friendliest-country-in-the-world-run-by-a-bunch-of-MORONS" laughs. It makes me cry.
Anyway, on to more pleasant topics. I just found out that the US Army intended to control the entire country of Iraq with 235 Humvees when the stupid war started just about 2 years ago. 235! Why, you could count that on... erm... 47 hands! Anyway, they realized that they underestimated slightly the amount they would need so, by this Friday, they'll have increased the number a smidgen. To 22,000. Seriously now. TWENTY TWO FRICKEN THOUSAND. To be fair, the number is only 21,765 more than they had originally intended. This must be a part of the "miscalculations" that the ever-understated Defender Of Peace And Liberty The World Over (When It Suits Him) Donald Rumsfeld keeps referring to. It makes me laugh. But its not one of those hearty belly laughs that you might produce during an exceptionally funny episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? It's one of those mirthless "Dear-God-Why-is-the-strongest-free-est-and-friendliest-country-in-the-world-run-by-a-bunch-of-MORONS" laughs. It makes me cry.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Prince William
So, today on my way to class, I tripped on the stairs outside my building and fell head first down a flight of six stairs (I really didn’t but if I hadn’t started out in this fashion, the entire post would cease to exist. So work with me). I was (thank God) uninjured, psychologically stable and willing to put the whole incident behind me until I realized that no one had videotaped the incident and hordes of polo players weren’t making their way towards me to make sure I was alright...
Yeah, so the future heir to the throne of England is inept enough to take a small tumble off a horse during a game of polo and it becomes and international incident. I have yet to see a major news source that has had the testicular fortitude to NOT carry the story and maybe use their valuable column (or virtual column) space for some real news that would be of interest to more than William’s worried daddy. Poor Willie-poo fell of a horsey and almost had a boo-boo. Thank God for the well-padded posterior that cushioned most of the impact.
To William's credit, he did what would be expected of a future Head of State and got right back on the horse. I can think of other Heads of State who would probably have lain on the ground for several minutes. Rumor has it certain Presidents do that after failing to chew pretzels properly, never mind falling off horses. But I digress.
There is news. And there is news-only-your-near-and-dear-would-care-to-know-and-often-not-even-them. Our news providers need to concentrate more on the former and less on the latter. Much less. Leave the poor celebrities alone. They’re just like everybody else, only famous.
Yeah, so the future heir to the throne of England is inept enough to take a small tumble off a horse during a game of polo and it becomes and international incident. I have yet to see a major news source that has had the testicular fortitude to NOT carry the story and maybe use their valuable column (or virtual column) space for some real news that would be of interest to more than William’s worried daddy. Poor Willie-poo fell of a horsey and almost had a boo-boo. Thank God for the well-padded posterior that cushioned most of the impact.
To William's credit, he did what would be expected of a future Head of State and got right back on the horse. I can think of other Heads of State who would probably have lain on the ground for several minutes. Rumor has it certain Presidents do that after failing to chew pretzels properly, never mind falling off horses. But I digress.
There is news. And there is news-only-your-near-and-dear-would-care-to-know-and-often-not-even-them. Our news providers need to concentrate more on the former and less on the latter. Much less. Leave the poor celebrities alone. They’re just like everybody else, only famous.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Chicago, MJ and Communism
Sorry for the long absence. No, I’m really not. I felt like it. So deal with it. It really hasn’t been a blogging couple of weeks for me, but it’s about time I gave in to the demands of the starving-for-blog-entries-of-substance populace. So here you are. This is kind of a clip show, except not really. These are miniblogs packaged neatly into one large entry. I’m so talented.
Chicago
I went to Chicago a week or so ago. Nice city. Except the women there have some sort of sunglasses fetish (or is it sunglass fetish? No, that can’t be right.). I tell you each pair I saw was more obscene than the last one. One girl (I assume she was a girl because she had an annoying, high-pitched voice, smelled like an accident in a perfumery, and got on the subway right by DePaul University’s Lincoln Park campus) sported a MASSIVE lime green number. I could barely see her face, I tell you. Frankly, I think she had some sort of disease. Why else would you allow yourself to be seen cavorting on a subway train with a hideous lime green accessory perched on your nose? I leave you to ponder this deep question of incredible philosophical import.
Michael Jackson
Honestly, this man was better off black. Think about it. Parents of white children wouldn’t leave their kids overnight with a black man now, would they? And then we wouldn’t be in the middle of all of this molestation instead of PlayStation business.
And yeah, coming to court in pajama pants? Bad idea. That’s going to make the jury think you just got out of bed. And since you’re in court basically for a lot of crap you allegedly did in bed, your bed is the last thing you want jurors to be thinking of. Unless you like one of them. And she really likes you. And the two of you think you may have kids together one day. Yeah. Snowball’s chance in Hell. I know.
Communist Text Messages
Russia’s Communist Party is turning to text messaging as a means of drawing people into the party fold, says Yahoo. I’m not posting the link to the story because the links are dead in a couple of days anyway and then my blog looks bad. We’re all about appearances here at The Foreigner House, you see.
Anyway, so the Commies think sending text messages back and forth is going to revitalize their dying ideology. Pretty hilarious what? Imagine what those conversations would be like.
Vladimir: Communism forever! Da?
Boris: Da! By the way, I’m all out of toilet paper. Can I borrow some of yours?
Vladimir: Nyett! I’m all out too. Don’t worry. Only 14 moons till the next distribution.
Boris: Thank God. I’m down to the last 3 strips of my wife’s wedding dress.
Vladimir: We’re so fortunate to live in a State that can’t provide its citizens with toilet paper!
Boris: Communism forever!
I’m not sure they use the word “moons” in Russia so much. But still, nice Native American touch, wouldn’t you say?
And I’m done.
Chicago
I went to Chicago a week or so ago. Nice city. Except the women there have some sort of sunglasses fetish (or is it sunglass fetish? No, that can’t be right.). I tell you each pair I saw was more obscene than the last one. One girl (I assume she was a girl because she had an annoying, high-pitched voice, smelled like an accident in a perfumery, and got on the subway right by DePaul University’s Lincoln Park campus) sported a MASSIVE lime green number. I could barely see her face, I tell you. Frankly, I think she had some sort of disease. Why else would you allow yourself to be seen cavorting on a subway train with a hideous lime green accessory perched on your nose? I leave you to ponder this deep question of incredible philosophical import.
Michael Jackson
Honestly, this man was better off black. Think about it. Parents of white children wouldn’t leave their kids overnight with a black man now, would they? And then we wouldn’t be in the middle of all of this molestation instead of PlayStation business.
And yeah, coming to court in pajama pants? Bad idea. That’s going to make the jury think you just got out of bed. And since you’re in court basically for a lot of crap you allegedly did in bed, your bed is the last thing you want jurors to be thinking of. Unless you like one of them. And she really likes you. And the two of you think you may have kids together one day. Yeah. Snowball’s chance in Hell. I know.
Communist Text Messages
Russia’s Communist Party is turning to text messaging as a means of drawing people into the party fold, says Yahoo. I’m not posting the link to the story because the links are dead in a couple of days anyway and then my blog looks bad. We’re all about appearances here at The Foreigner House, you see.
Anyway, so the Commies think sending text messages back and forth is going to revitalize their dying ideology. Pretty hilarious what? Imagine what those conversations would be like.
Vladimir: Communism forever! Da?
Boris: Da! By the way, I’m all out of toilet paper. Can I borrow some of yours?
Vladimir: Nyett! I’m all out too. Don’t worry. Only 14 moons till the next distribution.
Boris: Thank God. I’m down to the last 3 strips of my wife’s wedding dress.
Vladimir: We’re so fortunate to live in a State that can’t provide its citizens with toilet paper!
Boris: Communism forever!
I’m not sure they use the word “moons” in Russia so much. But still, nice Native American touch, wouldn’t you say?
And I’m done.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Iran What?
Vladimir Putin just said he is convinced that Iran doesn't have nuclear weapons. And I'm inclined to believe him. What could he possibly have to gain from such a statement anyway? After all, it's not as though Russia is helping Iran build an $800/- million, 1000 Megawatt nuclear reactor in the Southern Iranian city of Bushehr... oh...
Honestly people, could politicians BE (insert Chandleresque intonation here) worse liars? Hell, for 800 million of the very best, I'd stand in front of the world and say that the Democratic Party is still a force in United States politics. I'd actually do it for a lot less, but 800 million is the figure we've been given so work with me.
Simple math:
Iran does not have: Nuclear Weapons
Iran feels threatened by: The United States and Israel
The United States and Israel** have: Nuclear Weapons
The United States also has: Nuculur Weapons (No one really knows what those are yet. It's really rather worrying, these obscure technological advances that the US keeps making).
Iran wants: Nuclear Weapons
Russia has: Nuclear Weapons
Russia pretends to like but secretly hopes will fall flat on its face: The United States
Russia pretends to like but honestly doesn't care for: Israel
Iran realizes that it needs: Russia
Russia enjoys annoying: The United States
So Russia decides to help: Iran
Build: Nuclear Weapons
But neither Iran or Russia want to be attacked by: Israel or the United States
So they say the nuclear aid is for peaceful purposes not: Nuclear Weapons
But, surprise surprise, Iran now has: Nuclear Weapons
"Suckers!" says: Iran
**If you're going to tell me Israel doesn't have nuclear weapons, you're a liar (or worse, a politician), and are going to die a horrible, lonely death. It won't be STD-related though. (You should be so lucky.)
You see how this works? We could simulate the relationship between Israel and the United States using the same model by making the following adjustments to the above syntax:
Replace Russia with The United States
Replace The United States with Russia
Replace Iran with Israel
Replace Israel with Iran
Sometime soon, just for kicks, we're going to throw India and Pakistan into the mix. Whoa... I think I feel some poetry coming on.
Sometime soon, just for kicks
Introduce South Asia into the mix
Invite the North Koreans too
Their last gripe was overdue
The U.S., Israel and Iran
You can't forget Afghanistan
The Russians just might pee their pants
If China skipped and so did France
The United Kingdom will be there
For Blair's the dog in Bush's care
We're a nuclear family
No, you cannot join for free
In fact you cannot join at all
Unless you do...
Okay, I lost it... but it was good while it lasted.
Honestly people, could politicians BE (insert Chandleresque intonation here) worse liars? Hell, for 800 million of the very best, I'd stand in front of the world and say that the Democratic Party is still a force in United States politics. I'd actually do it for a lot less, but 800 million is the figure we've been given so work with me.
Simple math:
Iran does not have: Nuclear Weapons
Iran feels threatened by: The United States and Israel
The United States and Israel** have: Nuclear Weapons
The United States also has: Nuculur Weapons (No one really knows what those are yet. It's really rather worrying, these obscure technological advances that the US keeps making).
Iran wants: Nuclear Weapons
Russia has: Nuclear Weapons
Russia pretends to like but secretly hopes will fall flat on its face: The United States
Russia pretends to like but honestly doesn't care for: Israel
Iran realizes that it needs: Russia
Russia enjoys annoying: The United States
So Russia decides to help: Iran
Build: Nuclear Weapons
But neither Iran or Russia want to be attacked by: Israel or the United States
So they say the nuclear aid is for peaceful purposes not: Nuclear Weapons
But, surprise surprise, Iran now has: Nuclear Weapons
"Suckers!" says: Iran
**If you're going to tell me Israel doesn't have nuclear weapons, you're a liar (or worse, a politician), and are going to die a horrible, lonely death. It won't be STD-related though. (You should be so lucky.)
You see how this works? We could simulate the relationship between Israel and the United States using the same model by making the following adjustments to the above syntax:
Replace Russia with The United States
Replace The United States with Russia
Replace Iran with Israel
Replace Israel with Iran
Sometime soon, just for kicks, we're going to throw India and Pakistan into the mix. Whoa... I think I feel some poetry coming on.
Sometime soon, just for kicks
Introduce South Asia into the mix
Invite the North Koreans too
Their last gripe was overdue
The U.S., Israel and Iran
You can't forget Afghanistan
The Russians just might pee their pants
If China skipped and so did France
The United Kingdom will be there
For Blair's the dog in Bush's care
We're a nuclear family
No, you cannot join for free
In fact you cannot join at all
Unless you do...
Okay, I lost it... but it was good while it lasted.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Valentine's Day
So it's that time of the year again. Shiny, happy couples get mushy and those who are single (for whatever reason) just have to deal with it. If I hear one more person try to tell me that Valentine's Day is not a day for rubbing the noses of those who have no one in the dirt and is instead a day for the celebration of friendships of any sort, I swear to you I will hit them (with a blunt, heavy object if possible).
Seriously people, all this crap about letting your friends know how much you care is a weak attempt at covering up the truth behind the whole deal. Valentine's Day is all about spending money on that special someone and letting everyone know that you have a special someone and how much it sucks for them that they don't. (What?? You DON'T have a sweetheart?? Well, you must just be abnormal.) People who actually are in sincere, caring relationships don't need to know that others aren't and are generally happy enough to not require some commercial holiday hoohaa to proclaim their affection and devotion.
For your benefit, I have listed below several typical Valentine's Day scenarios and my thoughts on them:
Boy and Girl spend Hours working on "Cute", "Funny" and "Appropriate" Cards and Gifts for Each Other
Boy: Thank you!
Girl: Thank you!
(Boy suddenly realizes that Girl is getting too close for comfort. I mean, a wonderful card and a thoughtful gift; this can only mean she really cares about him. Relationships are great and all that, but he's a man and he needs his space and freedom. Cute as she is, she has got to go.
Girl comes to the conclusion that Boy is cheating on her and is being extra nice to her out of guilt. She tearfully calls Boy to end it and vows never to love again.)
Boy takes Girl out to Expensive Dinner and gives her a Dozen Roses
(Girl accuses boy of trying to buy her affections, and is devastated that he hasn't realized that she's a simple girl who appreciates the simple things in life and just wants to be loved. HOW could he be so insensitive???)
Boy wishes Girl Happy Valentines Day and asks if She wants to Hang Out Later
(Girl accuses boy of taking her for granted and assuming that he doesn't need to do anything to keep her with him. Well, if that's the way he's going to be, she's not going to be a part of his life any more. Doesn't he know that a woman needs to be appreciated?? She's a delicate, sensitive, emotional creature and if he can't understand that, he doesn't deserve her or ANY woman, you miserable, insensitive, unappreciative PIG.)
Boy gives Girl Flowers
Girl: Oh, you shouldn't have!!
(You bet he should have. Otherwise he would have had to deal with pursed lips, snappy answers and "You don't really care about me" for the next 6 weeks at the very least.)
Mushy Dating Couple goes out to Dinner
Man: Where would you like to sit honey?
Woman: How about by the window darling?
Man: Let me get that chair for you angel
Woman: Oh, you're such a gentleman!
(Just wait till you've been married a while. Suckers.)
So, to all you people out there who still think Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday that lets you share your love with that special someone in your life, I hope you die horrible, painful (preferably STD-related) deaths. Alone.
Seriously people, all this crap about letting your friends know how much you care is a weak attempt at covering up the truth behind the whole deal. Valentine's Day is all about spending money on that special someone and letting everyone know that you have a special someone and how much it sucks for them that they don't. (What?? You DON'T have a sweetheart?? Well, you must just be abnormal.) People who actually are in sincere, caring relationships don't need to know that others aren't and are generally happy enough to not require some commercial holiday hoohaa to proclaim their affection and devotion.
For your benefit, I have listed below several typical Valentine's Day scenarios and my thoughts on them:
Boy and Girl spend Hours working on "Cute", "Funny" and "Appropriate" Cards and Gifts for Each Other
Boy: Thank you!
Girl: Thank you!
(Boy suddenly realizes that Girl is getting too close for comfort. I mean, a wonderful card and a thoughtful gift; this can only mean she really cares about him. Relationships are great and all that, but he's a man and he needs his space and freedom. Cute as she is, she has got to go.
Girl comes to the conclusion that Boy is cheating on her and is being extra nice to her out of guilt. She tearfully calls Boy to end it and vows never to love again.)
Boy takes Girl out to Expensive Dinner and gives her a Dozen Roses
(Girl accuses boy of trying to buy her affections, and is devastated that he hasn't realized that she's a simple girl who appreciates the simple things in life and just wants to be loved. HOW could he be so insensitive???)
Boy wishes Girl Happy Valentines Day and asks if She wants to Hang Out Later
(Girl accuses boy of taking her for granted and assuming that he doesn't need to do anything to keep her with him. Well, if that's the way he's going to be, she's not going to be a part of his life any more. Doesn't he know that a woman needs to be appreciated?? She's a delicate, sensitive, emotional creature and if he can't understand that, he doesn't deserve her or ANY woman, you miserable, insensitive, unappreciative PIG.)
Boy gives Girl Flowers
Girl: Oh, you shouldn't have!!
(You bet he should have. Otherwise he would have had to deal with pursed lips, snappy answers and "You don't really care about me" for the next 6 weeks at the very least.)
Mushy Dating Couple goes out to Dinner
Man: Where would you like to sit honey?
Woman: How about by the window darling?
Man: Let me get that chair for you angel
Woman: Oh, you're such a gentleman!
(Just wait till you've been married a while. Suckers.)
So, to all you people out there who still think Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday that lets you share your love with that special someone in your life, I hope you die horrible, painful (preferably STD-related) deaths. Alone.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Lamisil AT
So I may be taking this humble beginnings thing a little too far. In all honesty, my first "real" blog should be a rant about the growing epidemic of AIDS, the morally bankrupt liberal left (how DARE they suggest people might have rights that the government won't give them??) or the Middle East. Everyone loves a blog about the Middle East. As you will see however, I have written about the latest craze that's making waves in toenail fungus removal circles: Lamisil AT!
I was watching a basketball game the other day* and damned if, during a commercial break, my eyes weren't suddenly assailed by a fungus-ridden toe. Now I'm as liberal as the next man (alright, maybe only every other man or every third man), but honestly, there are some things that should be kept off our screens and in the bedroom, preferably in a shoe.
Anyway, this ugly brown fellow appears (still on the TV here) and starts crowing with joy or something. Then the toenail (not the toe, just the toenail) miraculously lifts itself allowing this brown creature thing to gain entry to the mysterious region we'll call "the mysterious region between toe and toenail." Not much later, we see him saying hello to a few buds (friends, not the beer) and commenting on the wonderful view anyone who lives in this "mysterious region" has. Out of the blue, this huge white pill drops down on the scene and, in what I think was meant to be the beginning of a slow motion nuclear holcaust, our little brown pals are displaced from their humble home. I guess you could say they were NAILed. Haha.
Long story short, I went online looking for a clip of that commercial (but didn't find it, and still haven't). I can however, offer this advice: If you have a fear of fungus-ridden toes or toes in general, do not, repeat, DO NOT visit the Lamisil website. There's a larger than life photo of a really ugly toe (and the brown thing we've grown so fond of, but that's not important). My point is this: You don't need a photograph of a sickening toe on your website to sell your product, no matter how related to sickening toes your product is. The people who don't have toenail fungus don't want to know what toenail fungus looks like. And the people who do, well, they already know, don't they?
If you are brave enough to venture lamisil.com-wards, be sure to check out the "Treatment Stories" section. They're oh-so-heartwarming. Especially the story of Elizabeth, who "has diabetes, so she was very concerned about her toenails." I hear she's getting a Purple Heart sometime later this year, the brave soul.
Lamisil AT: Protecting your toenails and whatever the hell is under them since 2004.
*this Saturday
Thursday, February 03, 2005
First blog
So I generally have a lot to say.
But no one ever pays any attention to me.
So, out of sheer desperation, I got The Indian* to help me set up a blog.
The mood is about to change.
Oh, and maybe the world too... who knows.
Don't hold your breath though.
I'm sure I'll have something of substance to say soon enough.
But still, don't hold your breath.
*Not his real name
But no one ever pays any attention to me.
So, out of sheer desperation, I got The Indian* to help me set up a blog.
The mood is about to change.
Oh, and maybe the world too... who knows.
Don't hold your breath though.
I'm sure I'll have something of substance to say soon enough.
But still, don't hold your breath.
*Not his real name
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